Thursday, December 11, 2008

This Idea Hit Me At 5 AM

So there I was, blissfully awake after a stunning four hour jag of sleep, lounging in bed wondering what I should put on my next post. James Lipton and his Bear-narrrd Peee-voh Actor's Studio survey jumped into my mind. You know it, "What is your favourite word? What is your favourite curse word?" etc.

Here's what I came up with.

The 5 Senses Survey.

What is your ideal 5 senses situation? I'll give you a few of mine:

Sight - Seeing Keegan's wide mouth bass smile in the mirror
Smell - Huffing the top of his head
Sound - Hearing him laugh
Touch - Running my hand over his peach fuzz head
Taste - Eating chocolate

Sight - Just the sky
Smell - Burning peat moss
Sound - Wind in the trees
Touch - soft grass on my back (not the horrible Florida variety)
Taste - Eating chocolate

Sight - The darkness of an audience
Smell - Stage make-up (grease paint ideally)
Sound - Philip Glass music
Touch - My partners deft hands around my waist
Taste - Just a little salty sweat at the corner of my mouth (well, it would be chocolate, but you can't really do that while you're performing...

What are a few of yours?

Monday, December 08, 2008

Requests Fulfilled

So per your requests, here's your stuff:

3carnations - The Recipe for No Bake Reese's Peanut Butter Bars

Make sure you have a functioning refrigerator
Preheat your running shoes
Take one cup of get yourself in your car
Add enough gas to drive yourself to Target
Mix in one shopping basket, one cookie aisle, and some 20/20 vision (or glasses if needed)
Place Reese's Peanut Butter Bar cookie mix box in cart
Whip yourself home and follow directions on the back of the box

If you want to be special and make it like I did, be sure to forget the masses of butter that you will need to add to the mixture and get that a day later but only when you realize you are late for the cookie party and are going to make yourself even later by searching two sketchy gas stations and a dive convenience store be
fore you give in and go to Publix for the butter.

The Ebony WM (I loved that BTW!) - Santa pictures

K with his cousins, the other K (aka K1) and R.

My Chunk has enormous legs, no? 
And how about those cheeks?
It's as if Santa is saying, "Really lady, get this massive child off my lap...I can't feel my legs any more and my shift doesn't end for three hours."

The poor monkey looks so dazed. I think it was his nap time...NAP TIME?! What's that?!? Ha! You must be joking.

Actually, and here's where I jinx myself, he's been much better in the last two or three days. Dare I say it? It looks like we might have a schedule a brewin'. You heard it here first.

So I'm off downstairs to fight My Guy over the last Peanut Butter Bar in the pan. (PS 3carnations, the best part of the cookie mix? The pan is included in the box!!)

Saturday, December 06, 2008

A Whole New Me

Listen up bitches! Mama got 5 straight hours of sleep last night and she's feeling like she could conquer the world. Not sure exactly how it happened but I'm taking it. Come to think of it, he had a HUGE crying jag in the car on the way back from taking Santa pictures at the mall. I wonder if he totally tired himself out.  I can't make my kid cry so hard he's practically choking every night can I? (or can I?!)

What else? Went to a Christmas Cookie Party this morning.  It was really nice to just hang with the chics and make gooey goodness. My creation was a no-bake version of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Holy crap! Do Over! They are yummy. We're off to a hockey game tonight with my little brother and his wife. Go Panthers, or whatever. If it's not about the Oilers in the 80s when they were in Edmonton, then I'm just there for the beer and the opportunity to wear a scarf and sweatshirt.

Oh hey, guess who's awake. Gotta jet.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Thanks Dad!

Yeah, so since we are splitting up for Thanksgiving - Mom and Dad with Lex and Me and Ray with Sash and E (Elizabeth and Lexi's birthdays fell on Thanksgiving this year and cousins are visiting on Saturday for the big family dinner so it's okay), we invited The 'Rents over for Thanksgiving Breakfast - to be a tradition from here on in - hello. I said we'd have a light breakfast of fruit and cereal so as not to ruin the appetites needed for the later day pig-out. 

Well that idea completely fell through yesterday evening when neither Ray nor I felt like cooking dinner so we ordered Chinese. The steak was already marinating, however, so we decided since the huge meals the next day weren't happening until 3 and 4-ish that we'd go for the steak and eggs in the am.  Well, this prompted my dad to come to the realization that if we were having steak, we needed to have wine, time of day be damned.  

I Like It!

We are pleasantly buzzed (no worries, I've already fed the wee'un) and nicely full. We're doing this again next year for sure - maybe even on Easter too!

Now I just have to figure out how to make the stuffing and dessert for this afternoon without ruining it or my buzz...

Monday, November 17, 2008

It's Fresh It's So Fresh, Exciting...So Exciting And New

Inspired by something I read on Whiskeymarie's latest post about newly sharpened pencils, I'd like to list the things that I find exhilarating when they are brand new/fresh.

- blacktop tarmac
- bed sheets
- newly rolled out paint, of the wall, paper and nail variety
- T-shirts
- mascara wands
- book spines
- kitchen sponges
- vacuumed carpet
- the first squirt of toothpaste
- a box of checks
- a bar of soap
- dollar bills

Definitely not on this list?

- pointe shoes
- jeans
- gloves
- cars (I abhor new car smell - makes me vomity)
- shower liners (again, the plastic-y smell)
- thongs (both foot and booty)

Sunday, November 16, 2008

It Was Good...But Maybe Not Worth Missing You All

Top Chef catch up was decent. I think we have a good cast this season - some really talented chefs. Happy to have my Wednesday night show back. Not that I can actually watch it on Wednesday nights...I'm usually unconscious by 8:00 pm.

Little man is all consuming - no new news there. He is stinkin' cute though, I have to give him that. Fat as ever, he is flirting with the idea of turning over from his back to his front (he can already turn from front to back), I mean, he is basically a round ball. The thighs on this child are epic. I guess this will mean more vigilant watching on the change table, etc.

Sash and E are in Costa Rica learning to surf for E's 40th birthday. I am super jealous. Apparently, they are woken every morning by Howler Monkeys charging across the roof of their walless house. Surfing ensues at 7:00 am followed by fishing excursions and perusing the green market in the afternoon. I think they are exploring a waterfall tomorrow. But hey - how can I be jealous? They are considering this their Honeymoon. I mean, c'mon, they've only been married for almost ten's about time for one of those, no?

Mom and Dad are looking after their two sons while they are away for the week. They (the 'Rents) are looking a little bit ragged. We met the four of them for chocolate chip pancakes at Ellie's 50s Diner this morning and Mom turned to me today with a look that said, "We're not as young as we used to be..."

I hear you.

I'm not as young as I used to be either. Or as well rested. Or as groomed (I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs).

Or as stylish. I was watching Tim Gunn's Guide to Style today and it made me feel frumpy, worn and out of date. I changed my outfit three times before I left the house. Maybe I should send in an application. Maybe I will cut my hair and go o n a shopping spree once I have dropped these last ten pounds of baby weight. Or will I be waiting forever for that to happen? I finally got back into the 120s three days ago. My jeans fit (but can not be closed yet...I am using a hair elastic to hold the top button together). Jeans and maternity T-shirts. that's pretty much my uniform right now.

An Aside: Don't go into Target on Sunday afternoon at 3-ish. It's mayhem.
'Tis the season.

Did I mention the Coldplay concert? It was crazy good. My calves were wrecked for two days afterwards from standing, dancing, swaying and jumping up and down (oh, and the step class I took that morning didn't help matters much). So versatile, so talented are those four men. Thoroughly enjoyed myself. Now, if I can catch Peter Gabriel in concert I can die happy.

Sweet heaven! I'm eating a piece of cherry pie. I thought I didn't like pie all that much. I guess I was fooling myself, because this stuff is like crack under a crust! Yum.

Anyone out there watching True Blood? I am both intrigued and annoyed by it. It's kind of like Lost to me. Enough with the questions already, I want some answers.

I'm going to go back to my pie now. I need to look for a spoon so I can cook some up and shoot it into my veins. I wonder what a cherry high is like...?

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Decisions, Decisions...

Hmmm, write a quick catch up post or catch up on Top Chef...


Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Baracktimus Prime

Never have I been so happy to have our baby wake us up in the night. The timing was perfect: he started stirring at a quarter to eleven, just in time for us to turn on the TV and see the most amazing news.

Barack Obama to be the next president of the United States of America.

I am floored, relieved, amazed, privileged, awed, excited, and thrilled to be able to see this day. I feel like a collective weight has been lifted from this country's shoulders. This is the first day. We are going to get the respect back from the rest of the world that has been whittled away these past eight years. And Barack is going to get it for us.

I am so pleased to be in NY during this election day. This borough is going absolutely ape-shit. Our apartment building was screaming and howling in delight, then it spilled out into the street, grew onto the block and I can still hear the celebration on what I am assuming is a very full Fulton Street and Flatbush Ave. If I didn't have a sleeping baby in the other room I'd be out there with them.

What a time. What a time. A gay wedding on Friday and an African-American in the White House on Tuesday. We are back on track America. I am pleased to be living in the country again. Thank you for having me.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Mario and Daniel's Big Day

The wedding was a big hit - they were married in the city hall in Oakland and had the reception in their home the next day. It rained hard the entire time but we were not bothered. The cake was lovely and the grooms were in high form hilarity.

A visual for you: I needed to nurse and their joint is tres small. I chose to use their bedroom which was doubling as the coat rack room, and tripling as the pass through to the bathroom (where, if you were a woman, you have to nestle your knees under the bathroom sink - seriously cramped space) (in fact I am now remembering a large woman who joked about resting her large breasts on top of the sink to make herself fit...). Their bed is a la the princess and the pea - super high and pillowy - and is adorned with a crushed green velvet and red raw silk striped duvet cover. I was ensconced in this bed surrounded by matching pillows and pictures of the happy pair in varying states of age, including an Andy Warhol like print of the two of them in black and white. I'm telling you there's nothing like a gay couple's bedroom decor. Anyway, anyone who was in the kitchen (I had a surveying view through the doorway from my perch) or coming into the bedroom for either a coat drop off or a bathroom "drop off" saw me up high looking like the Queen of Sheba, nursing her princely King-to-be. It was a terrific way to say hi to everyone at the party - kind of like a weird receiving line!

Mario and Daniel's Big Day

The wedding was a big hit - they were married in the city hall in Oakland and had the reception in their home the next day. It rained hard the entire time but we were not bothered. The cake was lovely and the grooms were in high form hilarity.

A visual for you: I needed to nurse and their joint is tres small. I chose to use their bedroom which was doubling as the coat rack room, and tripling as the pass through to the bathroom (where, if you were a woman, you have to nestle your knees under the bathroom sink - seriously cramped space) (in fact I am now remembering a large woman who joked about resting her large breasts on top of the sink to make herself fit...). Their bed is a la the princess and the pea - super high and pillowy - and is adorned with a crushed green velvet and red raw silk striped duvet cover. I was ensconced in this bed surrounded by matching pillows and pictures of the happy pair in varying states of age, including an Andy Warhol like print of the two of them in black and white. I'm telling you there's nothing like a gay couple's bedroom decor. Anyway, anyone who was in the kitchen (I had a surveying view through the doorway from my perch) or coming into the bedroom for either a coat drop off or a bathroom "drop off" saw me up high looking like the Queen of Sheba, nursing her princely King-to-be. It was a terrific way to say hi to everyone at the party - kind of like a weird receiving line!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Happy Happy Gay Gay

So we are a part of history and I have in on film.

We flew to San Francisco two days ago to attend the nuptials of my two very best gay friends in the the whole wide. Mario (my old dance partner at OBC) and his life partner Daniel (aka Diva Dan, drag queen extraordinaire) got hitched at the court house in Oakland yesterday, just four days before a decision is to be rendered in California regarding gay marriage. Tied the knot just under the wire! Take that you conservative A-holes. The fact that there can even be a decision pending on whether or not the great state of Cali re-creates two classes systems, the have and have-nots of marriage, is beyond me. I'm hoping that when our son is ten, twenty, or even fifty years old, he can look back at his time here and say, "Yeah, I went to one of the first gay weddings, I was there back when two men or women getting married was controversial. Weird right? I was like slavery or the civil rights movement."

No on Prop 8!!!

So we're off to their reception today. Should be a hoot. These two know how to do it right...their previous house parties have been beyond fabulous so I can't wait to see what they've done with this bash-to-be.

Did I mention that the cutest most coordinated baby of all time rolled over last Tuesday? Well he did and I also have that on film. Did I mention that he is also the fattest baby of all time? Come to think of it, maybe that's why he rolled over...

Grand plans yesterday post wedding included driving to Napa Valley, checking into The Harvest Inn (where we Honeymooned), visiting a few wineries, going to lunch at Auberge du Soliel, having dinner at Mustard's and returning the next morning.

Not so much.

We did in fact make a reservation at Mustard's and we did in fact drive to the valley and we did in fact visit Silver Oak's new facility and Plumpjack's tasting room. However, we did not: eat anywhere, reserve a room at the Inn, or stay any longer than two hours.

We were so beat that there was a collective sigh when we decided to head home and crash at the hotel after eating a fast dinner down in the hotel restaurant. Best decision ever. We were in bed by 8 and up at 11 tending to the Greedy Eater.

Having an easy day today. Need to go on the search for a gay wedding card, you know, "To the happy Groom and Groom." Then we'll eat some lunch and get ready for the par-tay. Packing has to be crushed in there somewhere as we are out of here at 4 am and on a plane to Brooklyn.

More later, with pics if I can get it in a pile!

Sunday, October 26, 2008


MMMMMMkayy. The babens is out for a walk with the other parent, so I have a chance - finally - to do some serious blogging. I'm so excited I could spit.

Maybe I will need to do this in stream of consciousness form since I am limited on time and I want to get it all out without thinking about it too much.

Our child is enormous.
Seriously. Gargantuan. I'm not sure where the capacity is coming from because we are both pretty slight people, but he is, and has been publicly called, a "bruiser." Keegan is 3 months old and 17 pounds. Let me put this in perspective. My Aunt brought my dad's birth book from England with her on her visit so Ray and I looked at the various weights recorded in the book. He was 17 pounds when he was 6 months old. A lady in the grocery store said her son - though small through out his life - was 17 pounds at his 1 year birthday. Our kid is already courting the 6-9 month clothing set. He is one chunky monkey with thighs that would make Colonel Sanders' throw the chicken aside and call for a child-sized deep fryer.
This just means there is more of him to love. And we love him a lot.

I am missing my blog.
I am having the hardest time finding time to do this. Luckily, I have my iPhone which I can manage one-handed when I am nursing (which is all the time - see above). But it isn't the most convenient for commenting on blogs or, more to the point of this paragraph, creating posts. Tons has happened in the past few weeks, but I can't get it down in the computer. It makes me feel a bit disconnected from the world, but I'll get over it. Or I'll get better at time management. (Moms - does this ever happen? I see you all managing to get on your computers.)

Going back to Cali.
My old dance partner, Mario, is getting married on Halloween morning - to a famous SF drag queen. Mario and Diva Dan have been together for 16 years or so and now, that they can, have decided to tie the knot. It should be a hoot. I think Daniel is not going to be married in drag. The ceremony is at the court house, they both have to work that night, and then the day after is going to be dedicated to a big bash under a tent in their backyard. These two are famous for their parties, so I can't wait. Many pictures to come. After that we will be going on to Brooklyn and I have to get organized for a child in colder weather..

Grantie and Gruncle
Aunt Liz and Uncle David came to visit to meet Keegan. They are such a fun loving couple and very young at heart so the Great Aunt and Great Uncle labels don't exactly fit. We tried to call them G.A.L. and G.U.D. but that too did not stick. We came up with Grantie Liz and Gruncle David two days ago. This is going to work well for them. Liz is so generous and would grant you the world and David is a bit of a grinch when it comes to children and animals so, yeah, the names are perfect.

Another wedding.
cK is gettin' hitched! And we're invited to a very intimate ceremony and celebration at his family cabin in MN. So listen all y'all bloggers in The Land of Lakes - we're getting together in a bar either before or after the blessed event. I am so looking forward to meeting you guys. Clear your calendars and don't you dare go on vacation around the 27th of June. We'll be the family in the RV. No shit. My mom came up with the idea of flying into Minneapolis and RVing it in a camp ground the rest of the time. We may even drive up to Winnipeg the weekend later for my cousin's wedding. This could end up being very ugly for my husband. His idea of roughing it is going to a hotel without reservations. But it should be some cozy kind of fun...

My Mac.
I love it. Period. Though my iTunes is still a little messed up... where are my playlists?

What else?
I think the right person won Project Runway, I can't wait for Top Chef NY, and the jury is still out on Top Design.  Do I like this show or don't I? I don't make the effort to watch it in Prime Time, but it is the first thing I will look for at three in the morning while I am sitting up, propping up Keegan to help him digest one of his three mid-night meals. Who, by the by, is now sleeping three, four and even five hours at a time! I never believed the talk about the magic age of three months, but everything seems to be smoothing out. Perspective changes, man. I would never had thought that I could get excited about a three hour chunk of sleep. But I do, I do!! 

So I think that is a decent bit of information sharing. My boobs are tingling and I think I might hear a squeak from the crib in the next thirty seconds. Ciao bellas, talk at you next time. Hopefully it won't be as long as the last hiatus...

Friday, October 24, 2008


So here I sit - in front of my new MacBook Pro...loving it (except I can't import my playlists from iTunes properly. Will have to figure that out later.

Aaaaaaand will have to post more later as Liz and David from England just came through the door. They are Great Aunt and Great Uncle to Keegan and they aren't keen on the title so we're changing them to Grantie Liz and Gruncle David. Should go because now I'm being rude doing this and trying to talk at the same time.

More tomorrow during nap time.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sounds Like The New McDonald's Sandwich

I am mid Mac-switch. Catch up with you soon. I think I'm going to love the new computer. Wish me luck...I hear it's easy.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Give Up

I'm just not doing it anymore.

Cutting my son's nails has become a nightmare so I'm just not going to do it anymore. I cut him EVERY TIME! I don't know if the clippers are defective, or if I'm just completely blind, but I catch his little fingertips and it makes me feel like a monster.

How do you do it? I'm thinking itty bitty nail file? Chewing them off? I mean my god - I'can't hurt him every four days when his dracula like claws grow out!


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Got Tagged, Just Now Getting Around To It

Sorry for the delay Madwoman...Obviously I was busy trying to kill my child (see previous post), or at least get a shower in, or a full meal...whatever. Here we go:

Six fantastically unremarkable things about me.

1) I'm a picker. I like zits (both white and black), scabs, boils, boogers (both mine and yours), ear wax, etc., and Oh My God I have a child now to pick things off of!! Woot! I discovered yesterday, however, that I do not like picking infected fingers. My Guy had an ingrown fingernail that he has been digging at with various and sundry filthy objects like scissors, tweezers and pushpins. It got puffy a few days ago and turned slightly green yesterday. He asked me to poke it with a sterile (surprise there) needle and squeeze it so he could relieve some of the throbbing pain. I acquiesced like any good picker would do. WHAT? It had potential! But then when I pricked the mound (that sounded dirty) loose, watery, greenish yellow pus burst forth and quite frankly grossed me out. There was not much pleasure in it at all - even when I gave it several good squeezes to get the rest out. I think, for me, the appeal of the ooze is in the thickness.

2) I am just gross (see above) and am comfortable being that way. Take me or leave me.

3) If you want to entice me, offer me chips - the saltier, the better. Sweets don't do it for me (she says eating a chocolate chip cookie with her tea...). I won't tire of the chip - I'll weather the ripped up mouth from masses and masses of salt n' vinegar crisps, but I will not, repeat, NOT, go any further once the twinge of sickliness washes over me from too much sugar. Bleah.

4) I think inanimate objects have feelings. I feel sorry for neglected things; I wonder if certain of my rarely used spices feel rejected, or if my towel is screaming to be washed. Can toys really communicate and does my third-in-line-brush pine to be used? I don't know, but I do wonder.

5) I have super hard teeth and my nails and hair grow like stink. I never rue a bad haircut. It's gone in like 6 weeks.

6) I am scared to do things for the first time. Once I buck up and get it out of the way, no big deal...I'm all good. The thought of driving a car before I had actually done nearly paralyzed me. Nowadays, I'm afraid of the prospect of going out to new environments with my son. Target was a big step. Will he choke in his car seat from spit-up? How do I unload the car efficiently? Will the car seat be best in the front of the cart, or should I put the whole deal in the body of the cart? Or should I just bring the Baby Bjorn? Or will he freak out and cry the entire time inconsolably? Will he want to be fed? Where do I do this? Should I just stay home?

ps - I did Target at home at week 2 and I just did it here in Brooklyn this morning. Maybe next I can tackle the subway to the city. Now I just have to contemplate the laundry list of fears I have about that one!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

OMG!! I Won, I Won!!!!

The Bad Mother of the Year Award goes to....


After heavy debate between the judges, it has been decided that Lollie locking her infant son inside the apartment while taking the stroller downstairs in preparation for a nice afternoon walk trumps Allana Moundburger's daily overfeeding of bacon to her two-year-old Mathida!

Yes, I am retarded...who doesn't check that the latch on the self-locking door isn't clicked? Who got rejected with a hearty NO! when she asked a stranger across the street to borrow is cell phone? Was it her crazy bedhead? Maybe the dirty T-shirt and poor fitting sweats? Probably the fact that she had nothing on her feet? More than likely all of the above with the panicked look on her face. The Holy Crap What Have I Done and How Do I Undo it?!!

George - you kind and wonderful man - I owe you big time for calming me down after I found you eating your lunch on the stoop taking a break from refurbing the place 5 doors down. You tried to break in with your Home Depot gift card (thus ruining it and losing a pantload of money that could have been spent on lumber and caulk and such) (I'm paying you back dude - seriously - I just need to get to an ATM). You cracked another card before you realized your criminal breaking and entering skills were not up to snuff. You retrieved a ladder from your crew and climbed to our second story window (after saying you'd have scaled the wall had you not had a ladder), popped the screen and climbed in the window. You passed my perfectly safe and sound infant who had no idea anything was wrong, who was, in fact, quiet for the first time all day long. You mercifully didn't express your discomfort when the previously mentioned wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother hugged you when you opened her door.

George, you are my hero and I applaud you for being a kind human being...unlike that first piece of shit waste of human skin who snubbed me outright without registering the desperation in my face. Asshole. What ever happened to Pay It Forward? I'm looking for my next desperate citizen whom I will help without a second's hesitation. Please do the same for your fellow man...or wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother.

I emailed my Mom yesterday who is in Prague and told her about the ordeal. She wrote back, "Okay, you win." - hence the title.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Whoo Ahhh

VERSION 1 won!

except we left on Sunday at 11 - we ran out of diapers

Friday, September 05, 2008

6 Weeks And I'm Free Baby!

Catch you suckers on Sunday - We're off to The Ritz!!

Had my 6 week check up today and the doc says I am race ready for long, hot soaks in the bath, exercise and some seriously overdue fooling around.

My Guy is treating us all to 24 hours of bliss in a practically empty (off season) hotel. We're going to rule the roost, lord the land, hog the hotel. We'll arrive at 2, eat some lunch, walk on the beach, check in, unpack, flirt, get massaged in the spa, swim, enjoy dinner reservations, score a movie in bed, maybe fit in a little bang bang and then catch some sleep. The next day we will just take advantage of the $85 credit for in-room food and stay in bed until check out at 4.

That's in a perfect world.

We may just end up being slaves to the wee one's beck and call (aka scream and cry). We may both end up looking like Phyllis Diller on her worst day.

I'll let you know which version we end up with...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Few Things

- went on a date on Friday - sans child! It was awesome - I drank a cocktail (ginger ale and vanilla vodka - yumalicious...ode to Project Runway there)
- going to Brooklyn on the 13th for two weeks - avec child! First airplane trip...need advice on security and car seat maneuvering (anyone? Bueller?)
- got the wee one to sleep in his co-sleeper all night on Saturday, no bed time at all (I consider this a major coup. Oh and don't get too excited, it wasn't all in a row - we are far from that yet)
- I think Aunt Flo came last week (is this possible? Keegan's only 5 weeks old!!???!)
- I've been given the shopping directive again (need a bed, dresser, table and chairs, sofa, and baby accoutrement for the NY apartment - yahoo!! Look out Am Ex, here I come!)
- We had a birthday party at the house for my mom yesterday (and we survived the entire family coming to the house...the lasagna was awesome sweetheart! Thanks for relieving me of the cooking.)
- I managed to eat breakfast before 11 am, have a shower, pay bills, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, blog and make lunch today (you were right is getting better...)

Friday, August 29, 2008

Something I Thought I'd Never Do

So what's the weirdest non-toilet thing you've ever done while you were on the toilet?

Before the baby, I'd have to say it was, oh, maybe filing my nails. You know...we women like to multi-task. Reading - fairly normal to some - I've done it. I still do it. It's pretty much the only time I can find to do it. I think I may have blogged a time or two on the pot. I have never eaten in the can (though I can admit that I have finished chewing a mouthful of sandwich while getting...umm..."set-up").

This is my new accomplishment:

Nursing while in the biffy.


Never thought I'd to it, but necessity is the mother of invention. My Guy was gone, I was already in the middle of nursing and well, when you gotta go, you just gotta go. So we just went.

Gross right? Mom's? Anyone else share my shame? Bueller?

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Storm Watch

The only other thing to report was yesterday's blowout. Keegan started choking on the changing table when I was doing his diaper, so in a panic, after a whole load of milk came out of his nose and mouth, I picked him up...without a diaper on. He then proceeded to pee all down the front of freshly showered me. In the sleep deprived fog, I think I thought that I could catch the flow between my knees. Not so much. So he kept freaking out so I could only comfort him by nursing him. I decided to throw him over my shoulder and get set up when he barfed cheese on my shoulder. He was also wearing a good deal of it. Let me sum up the scene for you.

  • Cheesy barf on his face, clothes and my shoulder.
  • Pee down the front of his onesie, my bra, naked tummy, underwear, freshly shaved and lotioned legs and the carpet below.
  • Milk dripping out of my boobs onto his face, shoulder, onesie and my tummy.
  • Then he pooped ferociously. (Luckily I had the presence of mind to whip on a poorly placed diaper before we got to the nursing chair. It held.)

There we were, sitting in squalour, me wondering what the hell just happened. I went from this

to this

in a matter of seconds.

Monday, August 11, 2008

This Is My Life

I get excited if I can manage to accomplish one thing in a day. Pathetic, I know. Some past daily milestones:

- painted my toenails

- went to Target (still without the baby...I'll get there)

- grabbed a shower

- answered three emails

- shaved legs

- unloaded the dishwasher

- cooked a real meal

- drove to the pediatrician without Ray

- did two loads of laundry

- cleaned the kitchen counter

- got bagels and coffee on Saturday morning

Keep in mind that the entire list above would be a normal Saturday-before-11:00-am kind of activity in my previous life.

Am I adjusting okay? I don't know. I think I'm keeping it together pretty well, but I am kind of struggling with my new identity. What is it right now? I know it's "New Mom," but what is that really at this moment? Your basic vending machine, that always has one eye open to make sure the baby is still breathing/not choking/dry/happy/well-fed.

I'm told this too will pass.

But I'm okay. I'm really okay. Because we have this...

Saturday, August 09, 2008

I Can't Decide Which I Need More

To get out of the house


Take a nap.

My closing left eye is rooting for the nap. My feet are arguing with my eye.

I'll let you know who wins in a min.....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Monday, August 04, 2008

For Those In The Know

Question for the breast feeding moms:

When the sweet one is/was latched, does/did anyone else feel like there is/was a disco going on in the active boob? You know, with 70s strobe lights and everything?

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Why I Haven't Been Around Lately

Say hi to our Keegan! This little morsel of love showed up on July 24th at 12:46. He was 7 lbs 9 ozs and 20 inches long. We have been swooning ever since (and grabbing sleep wherever and whenever we can find it!).

I keep thinking I can blog when he finishes up his eternal snacking, but then I want to rest when he is out, so my computer is gathering a bit of dust. I'm told this will get better. Are they lying to me?

Daddy arm with Baby foot - cute, right?

Saturday, July 19, 2008

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel, err, I Mean Projector

So after going to see The Hulk with My Guy last month, the baby and I realized about halfway through that we were both getting irritatto with the extreme Dolby sounds of screaming, grunting and things generally being punched really hard and crashing through windows, cars, walls, etc. It was just too much and the babens was most definitely becoming more and more distressed, twisting, startling and kicking my ribs, so much so that I almost left the theatre clutching my belly trying to dampen the noise.

We then decided that there would be no more in utero movies of the graphic novel nature.

Then Guillermo del Toros Hellboy II had the nerve to come out. *sigh*

Little known fact about me: I Love Hellboy. His "Aw, crap" cracks me up and his nonchalance about the demons from the underworld is refreshing. I also love Abe. I could go on and on, but really couldn't, in the near future anyway, because we had decided to fore go the flick in the theatre and wait for it to come out on DVD (just not the same experience as the Big Screen, but there you go...we're trying to be responsible almost parents). The Dark Night held the same sort of disappointment for us as well. Dammit.

But then...a Ray of Golden Light hit me square on the forehead while I was in kundalini prenatal yoga yesterday morning (I know, probably not the place to be thinking how we'd get around this Hellboy dilemma, I should have been visualizing a happy birth and healthy baby, blah blah blah, but there you have it, this is where my mind goes when meditating).


Drive-in + radio knobs = sound control! We checked out the times at our local and found both Hellboy and The Dark Night! Score!

With smiling faces, we packed a bag with Jones' Cream Soda - hello, the best sugar cane soda in the land, a bottle of water, and rushed out to get a sausage and mushroom pizza from Dean Anthony's. We made the movie in time to grab a bag of corn and some nachos with that unearthly yellow hot lava cheese product (divine) and settled into the reclined CR-V seats. It was magic. Just like being on a high school date - without the making out, we just ogled each other in love/movie bliss - why you ask? My belly is way to big for leaning over in the front seat to lock lips. Sorry, hubby, but that's just where we are right now.

It even thundered and lightninged outside, and at one point it started to pour down. We didn't care, we just flipped on the wipers and watched (SPOILER!) Abe nearly destroy the world for his love of Princess Nuala through the hypnotic swishing.

I think we're going to attempt The Dark Night tonight. Yes, two drive-in movies in a row may sound indulgent, and yes, I may get nauseous from all the buttered popcorn in my system, but I think all the parents out there know that we need to get this shit in while we can, n'est pas?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Oh - And Then There's This

No, it's not an illuuuuuusion...I have grown my own personal table.

Baby, Baby, Are You Okay?!

So we went to our infant CPR class last night. As soon as we stepped in the classroom, we were visually assaulted with 12 footie-pajama-ed baby dolls with, wait for it, PLASTIC BAGS OVER THEIR HEADS!

On second glance, I realized that they were mouth guards for the respiration part of the class, but, holy crap! I'm here to save the child, not let it frolic with a grocery bag.

Obviously it threw me for a loop.

For those of you who want to save 30 bucks and an hour and a half in a freezing cold hospital classroom, let me give you the lowdown.


1) Verify that the scene is safe (other than your child turning blue)

2) Tap the baby on the bottom of the foot (Baby, baby, are you okay?)

3) Check for breathing (no sweet smelling baby breath? Start to panic)

4) Open airway and shoot two quick breaths into baby covering both mouth and nose (check for chest rising. If chest explodes, cut back on the force of air expelled into baby)

5) Poke 30 sharp darts into baby's chest with straight stabby fingers (yes 30, and they must delve a third to halfway into baby chest cavity. Umm, ouch?)

6) Rinse and repeat 5 times while digging for cell phone (call 911)


1) Hold baby by the jaw and turn on stomach (baby will be stiff so hang on firmly)

2) Whack baby between the shoulder blades sharply 5 times (look for flying object)

3) Flip baby like a flapjack and commence with 5 sharp darts into baby's chest with straight stabby fingers (again, go in deep, but if you draw back with bloody finger tips, you've probably gone too far)

4) Rinse and repeat until the object comes out, or baby passes out (upon passing out, refer to CPR)

AND, that friends, is the infant CPR and choking class.


Friday, July 11, 2008

The First Boy I Ever Kissed

It was the first or second grade (I'm guessing), and I insisted that we do it in the closet of my bedroom. For some reason, that was very important to me. I'm not sure he cared, but I recently got in touch with him again and he said he remembered it as his first kiss as well. Was I glad to learn that he was not a Casanova at that age? Yes.

Anyway. He is apparently a brilliant writer now, who has been given one of, if not the, biggest advances for a first-time novelist. I think you all need to check out his book (available in early August - I just pre-ordered), and his very cool website , and his Facebook page if you are into that.

Yes, I am totally pimping out my first kiss. He deserves it. It was good. He made me blush...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

PWA - Also Known As The Pediatrics Wrestling Association

The two guys I've seen so far are going to have to duke it out in a to-the-death cage match. I can't decide between doctors...they're both so nice.

Advantage for Doc A: bigger practice, after hours care
Advantage for Doc B: closer intimate office, will come to hospital personally after babens is born

Which direction to go? And should I add another doc into the mix? She lives in my development...


Wednesday, July 09, 2008

How Did I Ever Have Time When I Was Working?!

I have been up by at least 6:30 (4:45 this morning) for the last three days and they have been FULL!


- a daily nap
- lots of stuffing of the face
- for real cooking
- daily trip to the gym
- looking out the window at the ducks
- making of muffins
- nesting
- nesting
- nesting
- thank you cards
- blogging (hi again everyone!)
- catching up on email
- doctor's appointments
- car seat safety appointments
- ducking out of our last Bradley class
- yoga class
- downloading every CD I own into my iTunes library
- birthday gift shopping and wrapping (big brother, you are going to LOVE US!)
- pediatrician shopping
- weekly visit to the midwife (all is well and moving along nicely)

I like this not working thing. Hopefully I can enjoy the next 28 days to the max. Because the rest of our lives are going to be A LOT of work.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Fertile Myrtle the Turtle Got Over a Major Hurdle

It is my older brother’s 40th birthday in two weeks and he’s had such a crap year that we’ve decided to extend his festivities and make it a month long party of great weekends. Saturday night was the first in the long string of drunkenness to come...but, alas, not for me. *sigh*
So anyway, we (Joey, G, Sash, E, Me and Ray) piled into Joey and G's fabulous Mercedes SUV and sped off to The Food Shack. Uh, for those of you who will be in Florida at any time in the future, this is a must not miss. I've been hearing about this damn restaurant for years and finally managed to get there.
And. It. Was. So. Worth. It.
It's in Jupiter in a crappy little strip mall. Looks like nothing from the outside. The only marker is the crowd of people waiting to get into the joint.
ps - they only have a beer and wine license, yet nobody cares. It's all about the food.
We finally got our party of six seated, in the back, near the toilets, on a 4 top with chairs squeezed on the ends. Again, nobody cared. After looking at the handwritten menu for the day, passed to us by 7-year-old Jessica (it was her first night, Joey told her she was working like an old pro), Ray and I ordered a kebab of pan-fried scallops, cooked to caramelly perfection, atop a bed of greens and tropical fruit. Holy Crap! Then I had the coconut and ginger encrusted hogfish with some sort of crazy sauce drizzled over it, atop a salad of delicate micro greens. Holy Crap Crap! I was loving it. After Sash ate his meal, he draped himself across E and G and caught a quick catnap. Nobody in the restaurant cared. My kinda place!
The gang then decided that we should hit the liquor store next door and load up on beer, ice, gin and mixers and hit the beach like we were 17 again. Sounded like a plan to me, but I ducked into Publix to get my own personal stash. That's right. Cake and cookies. C'mon, meow!If I can't imbibe in the G and T, you better bloody let me have some sugar!
At the checkout, I witnessed two big boobed modelly types being chatted up by two older bull dykey types. Lots of flirting going on there. I casually looked up into the magazine rack and saw that someone had left a discarded toy called The Jumbo Fish Dive and Catch Game. Hmmm.
How appropriate.
I went back into the liquor store to see how things were coming along. Everyone had a drink in their hand! I guess the party goes wherever Joey goes, so paper cup beers and plastic cup wines were all over the place. Exclamations of "Ooooh, try this one!" and "I like this red better than the other two!" and "We should make our own beer, like this!" We left with three bags of booze and a cooler full of ice. Sandy paradise, here we come.
So, because all of them were already drunky, I got to drive the Mercedes! Beautiful car, but complicated. It was as if it was saying, and not so subtly "I am special, therefore my controls will be weird and in completely different places." Sniff. I kept trying to indicate my turns with the cruise control and I had to have the push button Park mode explained to me a couple of times. But fantastic car nonetheless. Flips a bitch like a dream. A the sound system was pumping out Motley Crue like nobody's business. Joey's on a Crue jag right now - he's dragging Sash to their concert tomorrow night. Thank god I have Prenatal Yoga as an excuse...
We unloaded the car at the quiet end of the beach just as the sunlight was disappearing. They set up the bar, I dove into the cake (a slice white on white for me, chocolate for the Birthday Boy, and sugar cookies for the rest of you bastards). We laughed and got even more drunky and peed in the bushes. Joey kept standing upwind of us and farting these devastatingly revolting beefs our way. It really was just like we were back in high school.
Then, the most amazing thing happened.
An enormous, and I mean gigantonormous, sea turtle hauled her ass out of the ocean, plowed her way up the beach, leaving an SUV-sized trail in the sand, and commenced digging a nest and laying her eggs for the next hour and a half. We stood there in awe just watching this pregnant monolith work her paddles like the devil, grunting out and covering about 100 leathery eggs. Then she turned around and lumbered, with frequent rests, back into the sea.

It was pretty magical. Joey got all weepy and said we'd just witnessed a miracle. I think he was pretty drunk, but it was sweet. I also felt a pretty cool oneness with the old girl. I'm just thankful that I don't have to squirt this kid out by myself, in the dark, with ten billion grains of sand crawling up my ass crack.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Alright...Here It Is

Seriously, I used to love these glasses. What in the world of Lisa Loeb was I thinking?

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

If You Ever Want To Feel Like A Total Nerd...

Just put on an old pair of glasses that you found in your bedside drawer.

I had a picture of this to show y'all, but my camera just ran out of battery, so I can't wrestle it from my camera right now...but I will post it later. I know, I'm a tease.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

I Just Ate My Weight In Crab Legs

If this kid doesn't come out with claws and antennae, I'm going to be very surprised. The guests, Mom, Ray and I went to The Breakers in Palm Beach for brunch.

It was the only meal we had all day.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Come Out Come Out, Wherever You Are

Yeah, so. To add to the list of why I haven’t been blogging is that I have no Internet connection at home. So I wrote this in Word and if it is now visible to you, My Guy has fixed the wireless or given up his LAN connection for a hot minute. (At the time of publishing, My Guy handed the LAN over - he's such a peach.)

Where to start?! Okay – the obvious. Baby C is getting bigger and bigger and moving around like a jitterbug competitor. Nothing uncomfortable like getting kicked in the ribs, but a definite pattern of movement. Bicycle peddling on the right side of my belly at 5:45 am, hiccups for 10 minutes, nap while I eat breakfast, Rumble in the Jungle at work around 10:15 (seriously, my entire torso jiggles back and forth like Alien is trying to get out via my now non-existent belly button), hiccups at noon, knocking at the uterus door around 3:45, more hiccups before dinner and one last workout (with free weights, I think) before bed. And all of this is peppered with a punch or donkey kick here and there.

And I love it.

More baby related stuff and then I’ll quit on that. The Shower. What a lovely little party my girls threw for me. I was entirely gay and went out and bought a new dress for the daisy-themed occasion (see above). Gay, right? But I will admit…I do love the dress and will wear it again this weekend to go to “Brunch at The Breakers” with our weekend house guests. I might even try to have it altered so I can wear it when I’m sans bump so I won’t look like I’m drowning in fabric.

Anywho, I took off that morning and went to my first La Leche League meeting (breast feeding group for those of you not in the boob-know) and watched about 24 women alternately breast feed their babies/toddlers/children (yes, children, as in 4 going on 5) and listened to them talk about their problems and solutions regarding child rearing. It was an interesting group of ladies. Some were super granola, hairy legs and all, one was a cop, a few were typical Type A controllers who were wondering about how to cope with work and babies. I think I will like continuing with this wildly different group of chics who all have this common bond of a child. I was the only one who was pre-kid, and by the time the circle of introductions came around to me I had to excuse myself and take off to attend my shower. That garnered lots of oohs and ahhs and well wishes. I will more than likely see them all again before I drop this ball of baby, but you never know…

So onto the shower. The house was covered, literally, in white and yellow daisies.

It was so flippin’ cheery in there that I’ve decided to get flowers every week and spread the love in my house. There’s a wholesaler down the street, so filling up the joint with some cheap flowers on a Saturday won’t break the bank. Just don’t expect to come over and find roses. Daisies or, gulp, carnations may be more likely. There was a magnificent spread on Whole Foods prepared stuff on the dining room table and a fun-looking punch on the counter. The coop de gracie was a platter full of daisy cupcakes from Publix Greenwise. Holy crap these were good (this was my one request of my Mom and Sisters-in-Law – white cupcakes with white icing, one of my two sweet treats these days – the other is Ben and Jerry’s pistachio ice cream), and just beautiful to boot.

Sorry this is sideways - but you get the idea.

Presents and hugs abounded – thankfully, baby shower games did not. Nobody wrapped anybody in toilet paper, and we didn’t have to identify any melted chocolate bars in any “dirty” diapers. Thanks Ladies! A lovely time was had by all and now we’re up to our armpits in baby junk! Bring on the kid!

Me and my lovely family gals (Sister-in-Law Jen, Cousin Sarah, Twin One Nate, Twin Two Remy, Sister-in-Law Elizabeth, Mom, Me and Sister-in-Law, aka E's little sister,Tricia).

Kavaterin to my two sweetie...

...yet, potentialy hard drinkin' Godsons.

Work. Hmmm. Work is weird. I’m getting the distinct feeling that I don’t need to be there anymore. In fact, I’m kind of feeling positively useless, which, don’t get me wrong, is a good thing. David, my replacement, is awesome. A self-starter, and just brilliant on the computer. He even saw a problem with a form page that he’d created on Friday and then came in on his own on Saturday to fix it. So, really, I kind of go in, look at my/our email – he’ll be taking over my email account when I’m out for good on July 3rd, organize and direct it a bit, ask him what he’s up to and if he needs help – usually I get a Umm, nope, but thanks for asking” and then I kind of odd job it all day and leave early. We have an appointment today at 1:00 to see a mid-wife (more on that saga in another post) and I’m pretty much just thinking of not going in at all and just getting the house ready for P, B and C who are coming in from New York for a long weekend with us.

So friends, I have to shower (of the watery sort) and get ready for the day – so I’m signing off with a promise that I will not disappear for again for two and a half weeks. More soon on the whole mid-wife thing. It should be an interesting visit today…

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Showered in Love

Just a "placeholder" for a better bigger post. I apologize for living under this rock for the past two weeks. Not really sure where I have been other than buried in baby accoutrement, cleaning the house for upcoming guests, looking for a doula (and maybe even a mid-wife at this late date - 33 weeks today) and training my replacement at work. *guh* and being exhausted.

Quick pick of the event, but I promise, more to come tonight. I'm scheduling a date with myself to sink into the couch and bounce a happy baby laptop on my knee...

Friday, May 30, 2008

Overload and the City

Not that I'm not excited...and not that I'm not going to see this movie with a bunch of gals in two weeks...BUT, c'mon. Enough already.

I turned on the tube this morning and it was on Bravo from last night's late night viewing.

SJP's not so attractive hairdo was on The Actor's Studio, again. I flipped to The Early Show and there were three dolled up SATC fans taking a quiz for a bag full of shoes. Clicked off the tube and turned on the radio. My regular morning show was doing a hybrid of Sex and the City Price is Right High/Low game about top-shelf shoes and bags. I moved on to NPR thinking I'd get some relief and there I found an exposé of Carrie's narcissism.


And! And! It was the lead to the more important, and too short, story (at least I think anyway) about the death of a terrific talent who will sorely be missed. Mr. Harvey Korman had to follow the in depth examination of a shoe-obsessed, self-involved, TV character.

Just to name a few of my faves:
Prof von Klupp
Prof. Auguste Balls
Ed Higgins
Count de Monet
Monty Rushmore
Chef Gormaanda
Henry Snavely
Dr. Charles Montague
Hedley Lamarr
Baron Hinterstoisser
Col. Heindreich von Zeppel
Dr. Leinbach
and his myriad characters on The Carol Burnett Show.

What a talent.

Thank you Harvey. You laughed away my after school four o'clock hour in the 70s.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Love...Exciting and New

In love with my new car (I know you all know there will be no drinking and driving around here)

In love with my ever increasing bump (size: Large)

In love with my shiny new clean smelling house - especially the shower...who knew the floor was white? (Not really Claudia, but she kinda looks like Rachel Dratch...just replace the dress with some khakis and a t-shirt and plug in a Spanish accent - cute and adorable)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I Gave In - Her Name Is Claudia

I have succumbed to the worst. My husband, mother and sister-in-law all think it's the greatest idea since sliced bread, but somehow it makes me feel chapped in all the wrong places.

I now have a housekeeper.

Claudia is going to come twice a week while I am pregnant and maybe once a week when I spit out the kid. I feel like I've really compromised my principles. Is that weird? I mean, I should really be able to take care of my own house. I know I can, but it is just such a huge effort hauling the vacuum cleaner up and down the stairs and I'm having trouble reaching the backs of counters with this belly. The shower hasn't been cleaned in weeks. Am I lazy? Am I indulgent (feels that way).

How can I learn to just sit back and enjoy a clean house for 75 bucks every two weeks?

Maybe I will change my mind when I see/smell my sparkly house tonight.

Friday, May 16, 2008

It's My First Time

We are going to pick up my BRAND NEW CAR! It's the first time I have purchased a car that doesn't need a sage burning session to rid the vehicle of other people's Carma. Very much so that I have little heartburn. Will post the Price is Right Showcase showoff pictures shortly.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Yeah. So I just experienced my first Insensitive Cow. In Publix. At the bakery. Let me start my rant by pointing out that she looked like she was fresh from the trailer, complete with bad hair under her hairnet under her bakery hat and summer teeth (some 'er here, some 'er there). And none too skinny herself there, sister.

Insensitive Cow: " Ohhhh, a baby! How many months are you?"
Me (smiling): "Just finished my 6th month."
I.C. (eyebrows raised to her very low hairline - or was it the hairnet?): "Is that all?!"
Me (giving her the hairy eyeball with no smile whatsoever): "Yes."

"Pregnant" pause...

I.C.: "Oh, well, I guess it's just a while since I've been was a while ago. I guess you just forget."
Me (hairy eyeball stare continues while imagining her as a fifteen-year-old slag pregnant by her second cousin).

More pregnant pausing...

I.C.: "Uhh, that guy will be right with you."

Her hasty exit.

Are people really that rude? Or are they just stupid? Or does crap just fall out of their mouth without thinking? Do they spend their lives living an uncomfortable existence, or do they get numb to their own atrociousness and just continue down their happy path spreading poo in their wake?

Or maybe I'm just being too sensitive?

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Mufflings, Mohonk and Meat on the Bones

Before we actually got to Mohonk, the 'Rents visited the apartment in Brooklyn. I nearly threw up from laughing so hard at my dad slowly sinking into the inflatable (or should I say deflatable) bed. It may have been better as an "on location" moment, but here is the sequence of events nonetheless.

This was the best weather we could have hoped for. Mohonk was delicious, in every sense of the word. The air, the views, the food...everything. A few highlights from one of our hikes.

Quick pic of the growing belly. Babens is really getting down at the disco about 9:15 every night. It's freakish and creepy to see my stomach moving independently of any conscious muscle movement. Kinda Sigourney Weaver Alienish. It may take a second to load, but for those of you (Kat) who want to see it grossly enlarged, you can click on the picture. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Droopy boobs, 70s paisley and all, I have to share...I LOVE this dress. I have one in blue too. It's from Tar-jhay.
It's official. I've gained 25 pounds. And I still have three months to go. I'm gonna be enormous! Whoo-ah!

Monday, April 28, 2008

On A Brighter Note, At Least I Have Boobs Now

That's me...back when I was skinny and in shape.

"What?!" says current Lollie, "I'm in shape! Round's a shape."

I'm just having a moment.

I know it's for the greater good, but I'm just feeling sorry for my ass, literally.

It's HUGE.

Sorry, ass. We used to be friends.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

WhiskeyMarie, CatLady, Lollie, BabyMama

Just like WM didn't want to become the CatLady (but kinda did in her last post - sorry Whiskey), I never wanted to be the baby crazed lunatic that I've become. So yes, poor readers, this is another one that could be tagged as Baby Crap.

Ray and I went to our first Bradley childbirthing class last Friday and Holy Grateful Dead, is Janet (not her real name...okay, yes it is) is a huge Flower Child. Just what we were not hoping for. She lives in a very cute, sometimes affluent, neighbourhood near Palm Beach...but her house is the one on the entire block that has a neglected yard, clapboardish house (needs a lick of paint and the carport is leaning a bit), and windchimes galore. She opened the door and what was she wearing? Say it with me now. 1, 2, 3...TIE-DYE! Ray and I introduced ourselves and simultaneously gave each other the stink eye as we passed over her threshold.

We were offered natural iced tea and hot air popped popcorn (could you have guessed that there wouldn't be a microwave within 40 feet of the house?). I had to go to the can, as usual, and low and behold the credo of the casa is "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Me? I don't care what colour it is, it's going away. Sorry Mother Earth.

So the class was supposed to be two hours, ending at 9:30, and probably would have if we didn't get the entire low-down on Janet's life and births ("Oh and guys, here's the really neat thing. My husband filmed our last child's home birth, so we'll be watching that during class five or so. Isn't that great?" You should've seen Ray's face as he nodded almost imperceptably.). And we also learned about her math skills. The woman can not, for the life of her, figure out how many years are between 1967 and 2008, for example. Every time a year span would come into question, Ray would spit out the answer with increasing rapidity so we could get on with it.

It was everything we could do not to laugh out-loud when every hour, on the hour, Janet's Austrian-original wall clock broke out into a succession of cuckoo-cuckoo-cuckoos! Ray squeezed my leg so hard I still have tiny fingerprint bruises. I think he bit the inside of his lip.

So after getting the Bradley introduction, reading materials and course overview, we started at 9:20 with the Bradley exercises with the promise of moving on quickly to the guided meditation and relaxation techniques. Janet told me to close my eyes while she turned down the lights, put on her sleepy voice and a Yanni meets Seaside 8-track (not really, it was a CD), and led me through a side-lying guided meditation while Ray and the 19-year-old nursing student (did I mention that she was there observing for a paper she has to write for college? Oh, and that her name was Nicky and Janet kept interspersing Jackie every other time she referred to her?), sat on the floor next to me for 20 minutes feeling really uncomfortable. At least Ray expressed that she just had to be feeling the same way he was, "I mean, how could you not?"

We ended the session with really big, heart-felt hug and promises that next week wouldn't run so long but she really appreciated the extra time. We'll see if she keeps to it tonight. We go in an hour.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Am A Very, Very Bad Man Jerry

Okay, unintentional hiatus over.

I had nothing much to say except pregnancy stuff (boring!) and then I went on a vacation to Cali without my computer and then when I got back I was SUPER busy catching up with work and the house and then I couldn't find my computer (tucked it away somewhere "special" before I went away...under the comfy chair in the bedroom - who does that?!).

Anywho. Sorry to those of you who were checking and getting the same obnoxious baby picture each time you showed up.

Here are a few highlights from my trip (Seattle to Bellingham to Vancouver to San Francisco to Napa to Oakland to West Palm Beach):

Cat With A Cast. Yes sir, that is Tikvah with a broken leg. Pity this kitty doesn't know his leg is broken...he keeps jumping up and down from table to counter to chair to floor. And guess what? The leg isn't healing. Duh.

Dog In Baby Carrier With Shades. Dudes, we saw six of these scenarios that day. WTF is going on? Here is my husband's immediate reaction:

A side trip to Canada to see some of my ballet girls from oh, say, 20 years ago! Everyone looks exactly the same, except we're not in sweaty leotards and tights with baggy knees.

Mmmkay, how cute are these two little monkeys? Ladies and Gents, meet the Twin Godbabies Remy and Nate.

I could just get a large spoon and eat them both.

The Bay Bridge from our hotel room in The Embarcadero. Just moments earlier, the sun was shining so brightly that we couldn't even see between the buildings.

Napa: A Room...

With A View

Ray had a great suggestion. Our lunch at Auberge de Soliel was so lovely and serene that he said we needed to make this our "Happy Place, " the place we need to go to when the munchkin is screaming his/her head off at 2:30 am and we want to escape. I think I may go here often...

This side of the road diner has The Best White Pistachio Ice Cream In The World. Period. We went a number of times. I couldn't stay away.

Glorious folks I used to dance with at Oakland Ballet back in it's glory days (late 80s, early 90s).

End of the fab holiday with an even fabber guy