Wednesday, September 17, 2008

OMG!! I Won, I Won!!!!

The Bad Mother of the Year Award goes to....


After heavy debate between the judges, it has been decided that Lollie locking her infant son inside the apartment while taking the stroller downstairs in preparation for a nice afternoon walk trumps Allana Moundburger's daily overfeeding of bacon to her two-year-old Mathida!

Yes, I am retarded...who doesn't check that the latch on the self-locking door isn't clicked? Who got rejected with a hearty NO! when she asked a stranger across the street to borrow is cell phone? Was it her crazy bedhead? Maybe the dirty T-shirt and poor fitting sweats? Probably the fact that she had nothing on her feet? More than likely all of the above with the panicked look on her face. The Holy Crap What Have I Done and How Do I Undo it?!!

George - you kind and wonderful man - I owe you big time for calming me down after I found you eating your lunch on the stoop taking a break from refurbing the place 5 doors down. You tried to break in with your Home Depot gift card (thus ruining it and losing a pantload of money that could have been spent on lumber and caulk and such) (I'm paying you back dude - seriously - I just need to get to an ATM). You cracked another card before you realized your criminal breaking and entering skills were not up to snuff. You retrieved a ladder from your crew and climbed to our second story window (after saying you'd have scaled the wall had you not had a ladder), popped the screen and climbed in the window. You passed my perfectly safe and sound infant who had no idea anything was wrong, who was, in fact, quiet for the first time all day long. You mercifully didn't express your discomfort when the previously mentioned wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother hugged you when you opened her door.

George, you are my hero and I applaud you for being a kind human being...unlike that first piece of shit waste of human skin who snubbed me outright without registering the desperation in my face. Asshole. What ever happened to Pay It Forward? I'm looking for my next desperate citizen whom I will help without a second's hesitation. Please do the same for your fellow man...or wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother.

I emailed my Mom yesterday who is in Prague and told her about the ordeal. She wrote back, "Okay, you win." - hence the title.


MichaƩle said...

Aw hon, you're just getting warmed up!!! The baby in the locked and RUNNING car is my claim to fame. I do have to say, though, that even when I had 3 children under the age of 5, I never left one someplace. I forgot everything else one place or another but a kid never did I lose! Now that they are teenagers, they TRY to lose me!!!

Aw, and George...what an angel. First mean person must not have been a parent. Trust me, you will totally begin to tell who is and is not a parent just by looking at them! Creepy crazy.

Hey, look at me ramble. I'm on oxycodone and a muscle relaxer (did I say "a muscle relaxer?" I meant three muscle relaxers...I think) for a back injury this weekend. God bless kids who can vaccum and drive themselves to school now!

Whiskeymarie said...

My mom dropped me out of a (slowly) moving van into the snow once.
And I turned out fine...right?

And you're not a bad mother- a bad mother would have decided that since she was aleady locked out, she'd use the time to score meth, get drunk, and rob a liquor store. You're just scattered right now- I do this stuff all of the time. Thank god I only have cats.