Monday, February 25, 2008

The Niblet Has Been Profiled

17 weeks - and still stubborn. Wouldn't get into the right position for the ultrasound tech. She told me to get dressed, hit the can, and jump around a bit to get him/her to change position. Here's what we got...we didn't even need to be careful about looking in the WhatGenderAreYou region. Legs were tightly crossed barring any viewing. Modest little bugger...

Friday, February 22, 2008

My Laptop Blew Up

So yeah - I got a fatal error on my laptop so it has to go to the hospital. I'm being bad and taking time out of work to post. Don't tell anyone.

I got pulled over for speeding yesterday and I'm pretty sure the baby and I are going to Hell.

We we're rushing back (aka driving as I normally do) from the conference in Orlando because I wanted to get home, see My Guy and eat a steak.

E sees the Copper before I do and tells me I better slow down.

Too late.

He whipped a bitch, clicked on the cherries and took off after me. I stop, knowing I'm caught (only after a second of contemplation...maybe I could get off at the next exit and lose him with some crafty moves? But then a vision of COPS went through my head. Working for me: I was in Florida. Not working for me: I was wearing a shirt and I certainly wasn't drunk, so the equation didn't fly.)

After E asked me to roll all the windows down (we were in my brother's car which has illegally tinted windows), I did what I thought I would never do.

I pulled the pregnant card.

Big Brim and Aviators: "Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?"

Me: "Yes Officer, I'm sorry, I know I was speeding...but I'm pregnant and I really need to pee! I know it's not an excuse to speed, but..."

Big Brim and Aviators: "License and registration."


He went back to the disco car and proceeded to look me up - and then he was writing something.


E: "Don't worry, I'm sending over Warning Karma."

Me: "Forget it - I'm getting a ticket - I was doing 88 in a 70."

E: "Trust me. It'll be a warning."

BB&A sauntered back to the car with ticket in hand.

Big Brim and Aviators: "How many months are you?"

Me: "4 months."

Unbelievably, BB&A sticks his big brim and aviators into E's window to get a better look at my stomach! I immediately push it out as I see him start the dive.

E: "She just tiny."

(I love that girl.)

Big Brim and Aviators: "Well, I'm giving you a warning..."

Me: !!!!!

Big Brim and Aviators: "...but I need you to slow down."

Me: "Yes, Officer. Of course."

Just for show I got off at the next exit to fake a pee stop.

I didn't really need to go.

Maybe my version of Hell will be needing to constantly pee while being endlessly pulled over my the Devil in a Big Brim with Aviators:

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Oh, And...

For those of you who care: if anyone is in town, or would like to plan a vacation to sunny Florida in the dogged heat of June, please let me know - I'd love to meet and have you come to my Baby Shower, currently planned for Saturday the 21st. Just taking the temperature here...official invites will be going out through my fabulous sister in law, Elizabeth.

I welcome one blogger and all. Though I won't be drinking, there will be plenty of it! Just sayin'. (Whiskey, bring your shockingly pink anti-kryptonite concoction.)

...or we can have something like zees!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Nice Beer Gut

Alright, I'm ready to expose myself. The belly has popped and I have to admit - I'm kind of reveling in it. It's so great to be fat and have an excuse.

Here we go...

For those of you who knew me as Skinny Minnie, Slim, Pixie Stix and/or Hey Is That Girl Anorexic?, eat cake!!!

I'm now Poochie Mama, Bubble Belly, Gutsy and/or Hey Does That Girl Have Major Gas?, and I'm loving it!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Why Didn't Anyone Warn Me?

No one said being knocked up might come with a giant side of massive heartburn. Umm, how do I make this go away? I'm afraid to eat. Even bland, white food makes me sear with tubal throat pain. I may have to sleep sitting up ala the Elephant Man.

Is this a phase? Please say yes.

Friday, February 08, 2008

I Love Me Some cK

Email string, today at work

cK: Did I tell you I went to a rodeo last weekend? And that tonight I'm going to a martini luge?

Me: A martini luge?! How awesome! Pictures?

cK: I hope to get 'em! I'd never even heard of this thing. Apparently they have a luge course-like ice sculpture down which they pour your mixed martini to chill it. You catch it in your glass. I fully expect this evening to be drunk on $20 and in just 20 minutes.

Me: I'm only slightly disappointed...I thought you were going to slide on a martini filled luge...

cK: Hey, after a couple of those things, you just don't know where I'll end up....

Thursday, February 07, 2008

SORRY - I Feel Like A Heel (But A Smooth One!)

I've been a total fart about updating the blog lately. I'm lazy. Well, not really. I've been traveling and trying to get my increasingly fat ass/stomach into the gym at night and then I'm just too exhausted to do anything else but sloth on the couch in a state of half-alert comaness. And ask My Guy to bring me things.

Speaking of My was his birthday yesterday. I wanted him (after taking a peek at his hobbit feet) to feel the glory of a pedicure, so that was part of his present last night. "Alright," he said to my brother, "apparently, your sister wanted to make me gay for my birthday!"

Here's the good news. He wants to write about the experience and guest blog on The Follies! I'm going to nag him all night until it is written. Soon to be posted.