Baby, Baby, Are You Okay?!

So we went to our infant CPR class last night. As soon as we stepped in the classroom, we were visually assaulted with 12 footie-pajama-ed baby dolls with, wait for it, PLASTIC BAGS OVER THEIR HEADS!

On second glance, I realized that they were mouth guards for the respiration part of the class, but, holy crap! I'm here to save the child, not let it frolic with a grocery bag.

Obviously it threw me for a loop.

For those of you who want to save 30 bucks and an hour and a half in a freezing cold hospital classroom, let me give you the lowdown.

CPR

1) Verify that the scene is safe (other than your child turning blue)

2) Tap the baby on the bottom of the foot (Baby, baby, are you okay?)

3) Check for breathing (no sweet smelling baby breath? Start to panic)

4) Open airway and shoot two quick breaths into baby covering both mouth and nose (check for chest rising. If chest explodes, cut back on the force of air expelled into baby)

5) Poke 30 sharp darts into baby's chest with straight stabby fingers (yes 30, and they must delve a third to halfway into baby chest cavity. Umm, ouch?)

6) Rinse and repeat 5 times while digging for cell phone (call 911)

CHOKING

1) Hold baby by the jaw and turn on stomach (baby will be stiff so hang on firmly)

2) Whack baby between the shoulder blades sharply 5 times (look for flying object)

3) Flip baby like a flapjack and commence with 5 sharp darts into baby's chest with straight stabby fingers (again, go in deep, but if you draw back with bloody finger tips, you've probably gone too far)

4) Rinse and repeat until the object comes out, or baby passes out (upon passing out, refer to CPR)

AND, that friends, is the infant CPR and choking class.

Goodnight!