Saturday, June 30, 2007

No Bloodshed, No Tears

We're back on track baby - and I didn't even have to risk the clink. It was down to the wire (literally...I had my piano murder-wire ready to go) but a simple refresh gave me my screen back, ready to blog and be blogged.

Had a great time last night at S and E's house. The food was really yummy (except for the Super Fire Hot Queso Dip - my brother has a heavy hand with the Black Widow sauce). For the sleepover portion, we stayed next door at J & G's house while they are on vacation in Niagara Falls. Well, not really in the falls, but you know what I mean. J and G are total neat freaks - their house looks like a showroom, not a thing out of place. In fact, I think J has a touch of the OCD. So to eff with him, Ray and I planned to unwrap a few rubbers and toss the wrappers on his pillow and in the bathroom. I was going to lick his bathroom mirror and change his socks and underwear drawer. We abandoned the plan when we considered that they were going to be returning from a three week long driving trip. He could already be suicidal when he returns...that and he has 6- and 3-year-old girls. You never know who's going to find what where.

An aside - I need this number to refer to, but I'm too lazy to store it anywhere else W6374. Dear Hackers and general Nosy Nellys , this is not a password of any kind... ps - suck it. And you too Bell South - don't get too big for your britches...your not quite in my good graces yet.

And how about being woken by the doorbell and a 4-year-old in Spiderman Jays at 7:04 am? It's fantastic. He wanted to play chase at 7:06 am. So what could I do? I chased. In my Free Jahveri t-shirt and nary another thing...I held the edges down and ran slowly. Then we went back to their house and swam in the pool for an hour and after that we ate blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon. Dear Turkey Bacon, you are not real bacon but I like you just fine today.

I spent the rest of the day at home making Pops a new company website only to be interrupted by a burrito run in the rain at about 2:00. Dear Chipotle, you are my new favourite restaurant. Don't change anything on the menu...I want the shredded pork and roasted red peppers next time.

Ray is getting cabin fever and has jumped in the shower. I feel a cocktail coming on at our favourite bar in about 45 minutes. So I'm going to retire to the Master Bath to see if I can get lucky before we run out for drinks and dinner!

Good to be back!

Friday, June 29, 2007

Bell South Must Die

I'm having a serious Internet problem at the house. It's not there and hasn't been since Saturday. They've mistakenly turned off our service twice now and someone needs to die. Hopefully we will have it back soon and I can get back to my comfortable rhythm of posting on my couch at night. They said 24 to 48's been 36. Til it returns though, I can only steal moments at work to comment quickly on your blogs.


Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Failure to Launch

Okay, so I got sucked into Anthony Bourdain's show last night (there were three in a row and I watched them all). This prevented me from getting my Lazy A off the couch and opening my laptop. Just lately, I've been feeling like I've been hit very hard with the tired stick...not sure what that is about. We're trying to Get In Shape starting this week. Smaller portions, no alcohol on the weekdays (ugh - but Friday night is considered the weekend!), and bubbly water instead of soda. We are also trying to work out every day. So, I shouldn't be tired, right? But I am.

I've decided to wait on the weekend roundup and dive right into the Things I've Never Seen Before List.

1) A refrigerator tied upright in the back of a dilapidated truck doing 85 on the freeway with the freezer door open and flapping/whacking in the wind. Needless to say, we changed lanes.

2) A 25-ish bleached blonde mother of four leaving a Miami hotel at 8 o'clock in the morning with her fabulous looking husband/boyfriend wearing, I shit you not, these shoes.

Management Post Script:
WM pointed out, rather hilariously, but completely understandably, that it sounded like the husband was wearing the shoes. Not so...but dammit, it would have been funnier that way.

3) An anhinga walking out like a high wire artist on a tree branch. (If you've never seen an anhinga before, they are fairly large - I don't think they belong in trees.) I thought it was a cat that was going to need rescue from the fire department, but then I watched it jump to the ground, flapping it's wings futilely, much like the freezer door on I-95.

4) This really belongs on a Things I Have Never Heard Before list, but Ray and I went out to the pool area of the crappy hotel in Miami and were assaulted by this absolutely filthy rap music. Now, Mama ain't no prude by any means, but I was totally offended that I was listening to Gonna f_ck tonight, yeah somebody gonna get f_cked tonight, all you Motherf_ckers get out tonight, cause playas gonna f_ck tonight.


When did this become acceptable out of the confines of your beat up Caddy or the privacy of your strip club?! That is a family pool area Marseilles Hotel! Turn that shit off!

Monday, June 25, 2007

Miami or Bust


I'll take Bust for 200 Alex.

The hotel sucked rocks. I'll elaborate when I have my Internet connection again - I'm at work right now and I'll be "composing" at home tonight - but posting at work tomorrow.

Dear Bell South,

You suck rocks too.

The meal, however, was divine, so the trip was worth it. A list coming with the post tomorrow: Things I Have Never Seen Before...

Friday, June 22, 2007

H - Thanks For The Smack On The Ass

Hi All,

I was admonished by H today - and I deserved it. I've been neglecting my blog since Monday and I hate, hate it when I visit my regulars and they haven't written anything new for me to be entertained by. I mean, it's all about entertaining me, right?! SO sorry - I apologize.

It was really due to a mixture of leaving my laptop at work, our phone getting cut off (a long and very uninteresting story) hence no Internet connectivity and taking a full day off to babysit my youngest nephew. But I'm back now and I have News.

We got the apartment in Brooklyn!!

I'm so excited to have a new pro-jhay. Though decorating a fully furnished apartment is going to be a challenge. But I can't wait for August. I Googled mapped it in satellite and it looks like a charming neighbourhood...a Brownstone on a tree lined street across from a College. Close to two parks. We'll spend 7 to 10 days a month there (maybe with the Manky Cat - that should be a good post the first time we put her on a plane...).

Everyone can visit!

I'm off to South Beach tonight. My guy surprised me with a call yesterday.

Him: "I'm getting ready to pull the trigger on a jacuzzi suite in Miami for 94 bucks on Expedia...should I do it?"

Me: "We should be saving money - we have to go to Vancouver for the bris in July and we've got the Gran Canaria trip to consider in October."

Him: "The accommodation is free in Gran Canaria and both trips are free on Sky Miles and I'm bored and want to eat at Emeril's."

Me: "Well in that case, OK."

Him: "Good, because I booked it already. Pick me up at 2:30 tomorrow...we eat at 7:00."


ps - So You Think You Can Dance yesterday was phenomenal. Cedric is sick and the Blondie chick is a turning machine. Glad they got saved.

Monday, June 18, 2007

New York Dreams

So me and my guy are thinking of renting a sublet apartment in Brooklyn. It's 1550 a month for a furnished 650 square feet. We'd spend 3 weeks in FL and 1 week in NY...kind of reverse Snowbirds. I've always wanted to live in NY - and I thought it would never happen once I got a stable dancing job in CA (the Manhattan Dancing Dream definitely died when I retired a few years ago). But now I can enjoy the city pain free (if you don't count losing 20 bucks as soon as you set foot outside - trains, water, cabs, lunch, etc.).

I don't know. Is this a good deal or am I getting duped? I actually don't care - I really would like to do it. I'm ready for a bit of a change.

It's either change scenery for a hot minute or redesign the house, chop off my hair and let all my friends go for new exciting ones who will eff me over eventually.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Sometimes, It Ain't Alright To Be So White

Let me start by saying that this ended very well. She went for her first mammo since the diagnosis, and she was nervous, so I went with. We got a double thumbs up from the nurse and a thumbs down on needing a further ultrasound. Whoo-rah. You rock lady and I love ya.

But about being white.

I accompanied to the back of the exam rooms. She changed into my exact opposite from a previous post - she had way too much on the bottom and nothing on top but a breezy, man-closing (left over right) crossover hospital gown. I waited in the short-term waiting room and it was the size of my walk-in closet. Seriously, six chairs were nut to butt, ass to tea kettle. There were four of us, me, and three older, gentle ladies of the Caucasian persuasion. Quiet as church mice were we. Politely sitting two inches away from each other and pretending we were alone (except for the small smiles as we entered and sat, hands on laps, ankles crossed). Then a gorgeous black woman of about 60 sat down and said good morning to every one of us. Not two seconds later another stunning black woman of about 40 came in the room and filled it to the brim, Literally. With her energy.

The two ladies started to chat a little and within a minute and a half we had their entire stories of breast cancer, doctors, uteral (sp?) cancer, ages, church groups, parents, children, back aches pains, jokes, food, jobs, the Lord, get a PET scan, doctors are just people they can mess up too, I know that's right, you don't need to tell me twice girl, okay...O-Kay!??! I joined in with a comment here and there and by the time the ladies left the room, even the uptight, white and outta sights were tittering away. The moment they were gone the chatter in the room dwindled and then completely disappeared within seconds.

I have experienced the same phenomenon with old Jewish ladies and very small children. What happens to we WASPy types when we grow up? Why do we clam up? I want to be in a room filled with 4-year-olds and old Jewish black women and see if my heads explodes with glee.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Thanks to Sarah for her joke - that was actually pretty funny.

And thanks all - I'm having a better day today. At least I'm deciding to. I had a hell of a time on the phone this morning with Passport Canada (all of whom I think should be restrained in duct tape and beaten abut the head with a tube sock filled with poutine cheese curd for those of you who do not know any French Canadians). Idiots, all of them. How can one person tell me my passport has been mailed and here's your tracking number (which is wrong ps, DHL says the number is from last July and was delivered to Mr. Andrews in Maine signed sealed deliverd thank you very much), and then the very next agent tells me that my application has been "opened" but not "processed" and "no you can't speak to a Supervisor or another agent because I am actually retarded."


It was a conscious decision to put on a cute skirt that I just hemmed last night, a tiny sweater, make up and a hair accessory just to make myself feel better about my day. Girlie = feelgood for me today. Meh.

Passport Canada can suck it - you're not going to ruin my day.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Say Something Funny

Crap day.

I need cheering up...anyone have a joke or two?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Crop A Palooza

I am done. Done with chicks and their estrogen, scissor blisters and glue in my hair, as well as carb-heavy lunch buffets.

Actually , it wasn't all that bad. Truth be told, I kind of had a good time. This totally appealed to my artsy craftsy side. My ass and back were killing me last night at about hour 10 (there were 36 uninterrupted hours of Scrapbooking Bliss to be had - vomit - seriously, some ladies stayed up all night and "cropped"). E's Auntie Laura started both days by saying, "I'm so excited I'm sweating!"

This was the scene:

Several "Paloozas" happened in that 36 hours.

There was:

Ginch A Palooza
It was 8:00 am...too early to check in to the hotel, so I had my overnight rollie with me (full of paper and glue and scissors and crap a palooza, so what's the first thing that goes flying out of my suitcase as soon as I open it? My green thong. Went over real well with the surrounding old ladies who were welcoming me into the fold. They looked at my thong twisted up on the green and bright blue carpet and back to me like, "Are we sure we want her sort here?"

Snicker Palooza
I set up, walked to the can for the last pee before I Got Busy, and was met on the walk back by a very haughty I'm So Important Business Lady in a Navy Blue Double Breasted Suit who looked at me like I was on her side when she rolled her eyes at the sign reading that Crop A Palooza was in the Emerald Suite. "Crop A Palooza" she muttered, eyeing me, "Phhhtttt, tsk." Good start to the weekend. I'm already being mocked.

Dram A Palooza
L couldn't come to the whole weekend, but she showed up to say hi. Or rather, she showed up to say hi to everyone but G. G and L had a fight that morning - a long coming, pent up emotions kind of talkin' to fight. G's feelings were hurt. G cried. E consoled. An hour of cropping was lost.

Strip A Palooza
The highlight for me was when Auntie Laura was telling a story at the 1st day's lunch break. It involved her son and his wife, who had come over to have lunch with the visiting "mother" of one of the 85 foster children Auntie Laura has had through her home (I'm not exaggerating that number, seriously). Anyway, she was telling us how that crack mama can't sit still and how she always crawls around, literally, inside her clothes. Auntie Laura proceeds to act out how this mother was behaving by inserting her hand, then elbow, then forearm into her stretchy aqua blue tank top. At one point she totally flashed the entire lunch patio her boobs, concealed in a big white bra, and was laughing away at how her son, at the time, was trying not to look at the crack mama - who was sans big white bra. It was a hoot. She's a great story teller and "doesn't give a whip" (one of her expressions) who sees her underwear.

All in all it really was a good time and I'd probably do it again...but only if the chair massage lady comes back and rescues me around hour 10. If she isn't planning to come, I'm going to go Custom, like some of the ladies there. They brought their own friggin' office chairs complete with cup holder for the table. Only my Custom Accessory won't be a stupid chair - it will be my own masseuse.

Friday, June 08, 2007

A Letter from Mother Nature

Dear Lollie:

You got presents yesterday. I saw you receive a lovely shell bracelet from E after her return from Cancun. If you push it up from your wrist to around the skinny part of your bicep, you could look really cool and all Thunderdome. Try it...I think you'll like it.

You also got stuff from Italy upon your parents return from Venice. Lovely sweaters and such. Aren't you a lucky girl.

I thought I would pitch in as well. I know you've been wanting a baby for a while, but I'm giving you your period instead. Have fun with that.

Love and Kisses,

Mama N.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Tag I'm It

Thanks to Whiskeymarie, I'm ready to bare my soul.

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Bun in the Oven
2) You da Mom
3) Worker Mommy
4) Whiskeymarie
5) Lollie

Next, select five people to tag:
sassmaster, mips, kat, superbee and random mindless ramblings
(Do it if you want. Don't if you don't. No pressure.)

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was breaking out of the Corps de Ballet and showing my boss that could actually dance without having 15 other chicks shadowing me. I was watching my older brother getting married and contemplating my own marriage a la Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? I was thinking maybe there is more to life than this dance company and should I start thinking about getting a real education so I can support myself when this all over.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was getting remarried to the best guy ever. The one who makes me laugh hysterically every day before 9 am. I was heavily believing that I didn't want children. (ha!)

Five snacks you enjoy:

First I'd like to say that I enjoy the word "snacks." It's a snappy, happy little word. Snacks!
1) Tuna and salsa on wheat thins.
2) Lyle's Golden Syrup layered on top of thickly spread butter on white bread.
3) Peanut butter and celery (not oft made but always loved).
4) Cake
5) Tea and toast

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:

1) Crazy (Patsy Cline)
2) Green Eyes (Coldplay)
3) Please Forgive Me (David Grey)
4) Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
5) Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

Like Whiskeymarie - I need more than a mil to fulfill this one. I need to be rolling in stupid cash.
1) Pay off the family houses (Mom n Dad, S &E, L&J - oh, and ours).
2) Buy a Manhattan apartment for Ray.
3) Pay back my Aunt the money she lent/gave away to help us in the 70s (or was it the 80s?).
4) Fund some ballet companies.
5) Make Frank go away...

Five bad habits:

1) I'm kind of an impatient bossy pants, if I ask you to do something can you do it right now and if you don't I'll go ahead and do it.
2) I leave my worn weekday clothes on my closet floor and then have to do a severe laundry sort out every Saturday. Yes, there is sniffing involved.
3) I. Love. To. Pick. Zits.
4) Don't tell him, but I use my husband's comb to clean out my hairbrush. Shhh.
5) I procrastinate.

Five things you like doing:

1) Painting (house painting and watercolour)
2) Making people laugh
3) Crosswords
4) Getting my Dad to say he's proud of me
5) Blogging

Five things you would never wear again:

1) White splay-heeled go-go boots
2) Baby blue eyeshadow
3) My first wedding ring (not because of bad memories or bitterness, it would just feel really weird)
4) Pointe shoes (at least dancing properly in them - I might slip them on for old times sake, then scream and wonder what the hell I was thinking)
5) Unless I can reach the impossible and get a hard ass again, a thong bathing suit.

Five favorite toys:

1) Scrabble
2) Operation
3) Paper dolls
4) The Mank's catnip frog. I just crack up watching her be cracked up.
5) All the "stuff" in my bedside drawer

Friday, June 01, 2007


I have always had a Law & Order fear that I am going to be out walking in a park one day and stumble over a dead body in the bushes. Or that I am going to walk back to my hotel in the city and see a bloody foot sticking out of an alley. Or that I am going to one day, late at night after work on a Friday, open the lid to the office building's shoulder-height, parking lot garbage dumpster and see a greenish, horribly bloated face staring back at me.

Well, tonight it HAPPENED!!

After feeling all the blood drain out of my body and pool in my ankles leaving me light-headed and ready to vomit, I realized that it was the head of a surprised Shrek looking comically back at me from a full McDonald's "to-go" bag.

Fuck you McDonald's - I want those two years you just shaved off my life back.