Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I Give Up

I'm just not doing it anymore.

Cutting my son's nails has become a nightmare so I'm just not going to do it anymore. I cut him EVERY TIME! I don't know if the clippers are defective, or if I'm just completely blind, but I catch his little fingertips and it makes me feel like a monster.

How do you do it? I'm thinking itty bitty nail file? Chewing them off? I mean my god - I'can't hurt him every four days when his dracula like claws grow out!


Thursday, September 18, 2008

Got Tagged, Just Now Getting Around To It

Sorry for the delay Madwoman...Obviously I was busy trying to kill my child (see previous post), or at least get a shower in, or a full meal...whatever. Here we go:

Six fantastically unremarkable things about me.

1) I'm a picker. I like zits (both white and black), scabs, boils, boogers (both mine and yours), ear wax, etc., and Oh My God I have a child now to pick things off of!! Woot! I discovered yesterday, however, that I do not like picking infected fingers. My Guy had an ingrown fingernail that he has been digging at with various and sundry filthy objects like scissors, tweezers and pushpins. It got puffy a few days ago and turned slightly green yesterday. He asked me to poke it with a sterile (surprise there) needle and squeeze it so he could relieve some of the throbbing pain. I acquiesced like any good picker would do. WHAT? It had potential! But then when I pricked the mound (that sounded dirty) loose, watery, greenish yellow pus burst forth and quite frankly grossed me out. There was not much pleasure in it at all - even when I gave it several good squeezes to get the rest out. I think, for me, the appeal of the ooze is in the thickness.

2) I am just gross (see above) and am comfortable being that way. Take me or leave me.

3) If you want to entice me, offer me chips - the saltier, the better. Sweets don't do it for me (she says eating a chocolate chip cookie with her tea...). I won't tire of the chip - I'll weather the ripped up mouth from masses and masses of salt n' vinegar crisps, but I will not, repeat, NOT, go any further once the twinge of sickliness washes over me from too much sugar. Bleah.

4) I think inanimate objects have feelings. I feel sorry for neglected things; I wonder if certain of my rarely used spices feel rejected, or if my towel is screaming to be washed. Can toys really communicate and does my third-in-line-brush pine to be used? I don't know, but I do wonder.

5) I have super hard teeth and my nails and hair grow like stink. I never rue a bad haircut. It's gone in like 6 weeks.

6) I am scared to do things for the first time. Once I buck up and get it out of the way, no big deal...I'm all good. The thought of driving a car before I had actually done nearly paralyzed me. Nowadays, I'm afraid of the prospect of going out to new environments with my son. Target was a big step. Will he choke in his car seat from spit-up? How do I unload the car efficiently? Will the car seat be best in the front of the cart, or should I put the whole deal in the body of the cart? Or should I just bring the Baby Bjorn? Or will he freak out and cry the entire time inconsolably? Will he want to be fed? Where do I do this? Should I just stay home?

ps - I did Target at home at week 2 and I just did it here in Brooklyn this morning. Maybe next I can tackle the subway to the city. Now I just have to contemplate the laundry list of fears I have about that one!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

OMG!! I Won, I Won!!!!

The Bad Mother of the Year Award goes to....


After heavy debate between the judges, it has been decided that Lollie locking her infant son inside the apartment while taking the stroller downstairs in preparation for a nice afternoon walk trumps Allana Moundburger's daily overfeeding of bacon to her two-year-old Mathida!

Yes, I am retarded...who doesn't check that the latch on the self-locking door isn't clicked? Who got rejected with a hearty NO! when she asked a stranger across the street to borrow is cell phone? Was it her crazy bedhead? Maybe the dirty T-shirt and poor fitting sweats? Probably the fact that she had nothing on her feet? More than likely all of the above with the panicked look on her face. The Holy Crap What Have I Done and How Do I Undo it?!!

George - you kind and wonderful man - I owe you big time for calming me down after I found you eating your lunch on the stoop taking a break from refurbing the place 5 doors down. You tried to break in with your Home Depot gift card (thus ruining it and losing a pantload of money that could have been spent on lumber and caulk and such) (I'm paying you back dude - seriously - I just need to get to an ATM). You cracked another card before you realized your criminal breaking and entering skills were not up to snuff. You retrieved a ladder from your crew and climbed to our second story window (after saying you'd have scaled the wall had you not had a ladder), popped the screen and climbed in the window. You passed my perfectly safe and sound infant who had no idea anything was wrong, who was, in fact, quiet for the first time all day long. You mercifully didn't express your discomfort when the previously mentioned wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother hugged you when you opened her door.

George, you are my hero and I applaud you for being a kind human being...unlike that first piece of shit waste of human skin who snubbed me outright without registering the desperation in my face. Asshole. What ever happened to Pay It Forward? I'm looking for my next desperate citizen whom I will help without a second's hesitation. Please do the same for your fellow man...or wild-eyed, crazy Bad Mother.

I emailed my Mom yesterday who is in Prague and told her about the ordeal. She wrote back, "Okay, you win." - hence the title.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Whoo Ahhh

VERSION 1 won!

except we left on Sunday at 11 - we ran out of diapers

Friday, September 05, 2008

6 Weeks And I'm Free Baby!

Catch you suckers on Sunday - We're off to The Ritz!!

Had my 6 week check up today and the doc says I am race ready for long, hot soaks in the bath, exercise and some seriously overdue fooling around.

My Guy is treating us all to 24 hours of bliss in a practically empty (off season) hotel. We're going to rule the roost, lord the land, hog the hotel. We'll arrive at 2, eat some lunch, walk on the beach, check in, unpack, flirt, get massaged in the spa, swim, enjoy dinner reservations, score a movie in bed, maybe fit in a little bang bang and then catch some sleep. The next day we will just take advantage of the $85 credit for in-room food and stay in bed until check out at 4.

That's in a perfect world.

We may just end up being slaves to the wee one's beck and call (aka scream and cry). We may both end up looking like Phyllis Diller on her worst day.

I'll let you know which version we end up with...

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Few Things

- went on a date on Friday - sans child! It was awesome - I drank a cocktail (ginger ale and vanilla vodka - yumalicious...ode to Project Runway there)
- going to Brooklyn on the 13th for two weeks - avec child! First airplane trip...need advice on security and car seat maneuvering (anyone? Bueller?)
- got the wee one to sleep in his co-sleeper all night on Saturday, no bed time at all (I consider this a major coup. Oh and don't get too excited, it wasn't all in a row - we are far from that yet)
- I think Aunt Flo came last week (is this possible? Keegan's only 5 weeks old!!???!)
- I've been given the shopping directive again (need a bed, dresser, table and chairs, sofa, and baby accoutrement for the NY apartment - yahoo!! Look out Am Ex, here I come!)
- We had a birthday party at the house for my mom yesterday (and we survived the entire family coming to the house...the lasagna was awesome sweetheart! Thanks for relieving me of the cooking.)
- I managed to eat breakfast before 11 am, have a shower, pay bills, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, blog and make lunch today (you were right is getting better...)