Ready? Okay! C-A-N Can - I Am Go-ing To The Can! TP! TP! Yeeeeeah TP!!!!

So there we were last night, at City Crab, with two new friends - well, new to me, old friends of My Guy's. Delightful people, down to earth, funny and had no problem swearing within 20 minutes of meeting each other. I liked them instantly.

We ordered dinner (where I was told that my choice of steak was the better over the chicken, only to be told that there was one steak left - wasn't I lucky - and then promptly told he'd made a mistake the steak was gone - did I mind chicken - and then revisited three minutes later to be informed that there'd been a miscommunication and that I'd be getting my steak - yeah whatever waiter guy, just bring the damn food I'm hungry already). G got up and needed to go to the bathroom, but returned in 30 seconds because the bathroom was out of TP. She'd stopped by the server station and informed our waiter.

Get this....

The waiter stopped by our table with two rolls of toilet paper saying, "Would you mind taking these in...because, you know, heh heh, I can't really take them in there."

!!!

Umm, are the 10-odd girlish looking chicas also dressed in black wearing the long aprons taking orders trannies? And even if they are, couldn't they "pass" long enough to deposit some Charmin in the ladies?!

G was a champ. She just grabbed those rolls laughing, held them high over her head and shook them like cheerleader pom poms all the way to the back of the restaurant. I think I love her.


Not City Crab's can.

I've Made An Enormous Error in Judgment

Okay, maybe just an enormous error in packing. I took all these fab pictures of my Christmas gifts - with my new camera - yes, I no longer carry around the ghetto brick version with the orange elastic band around the busted AA battery port.

But!

I forgot to bring the card reader to Brooklyn so they are all being held hostage in the damn contraption.

I can, however, list the loot.

1. Two tickets to The Joffery Ballet in January (stocking stuffer...I feel like a total ass because My Guy's stocking stuffer included a travel pack of Q-Tips. What? I thought I was being nice. He loves the eargasm!)

2. Perfume (Sung by Alfred Sung...been wearing it since I was 15)

3. Yoga video (I haven't stretched anything in about 4 months. I'm turning into a shriveled piece of gristle)

4. iTunes gift card (looking forward to enhancing the 80s portion of my collection - I think the first purchase will be the best of The Cars)

5. A novel, Stardust (Saw the movie and I really thought it was a nice surprise - now I want to read the book)

6. Another novel, let's call this one an epic novel - about 900 pages of The Chronicles of Amber (I was encouraged to get into SciFi by My Guy...he brought it to Brooklyn, and he's reading it again - okay by me though, I have 500 pages of The Pillars of the Earth to get through still)

7. An incredibly squishy green robe, even softer on the inside than on the outside (I LOVE IT!)

8. An equally squishy 3/4 robe with hoodie for Brooklyn (maybe I should have brought the longer one for the colder weather?)

9. A coach bag (which I like, but don't love...have been given explicit instructions to exchange it because he wasn't sure he liked it either. Yay Husband!)

10. A beautiful Lucien Picard silver watch (with the most unusual basket weave strap)

11. The previously mentioned fabulous camera (hostage taker that it is)

12. And finally a 4 Gig camera memory card (I won't need to delete the data for the rest of my life!!)

13. Oh! And Cosabella underwear (a yearly staple)

So if you're thinking, "Ham sandwiches! This girl really made out!" You 'd be right. Merry merry!

Just a Little Bit of Pretty

What would be your reason for jumping into this canoe and escaping the troubles of your world?

Ring My Bell

This picture was taken in October when we were in Gran Canaria. I think I have a thing for bells. I have a gold fairy bell at our front door - the kind you'd summon Jeeves with for your afternoon tea. There's also a cowbell on the front table ala Will Ferrell "I need more cowbell." I have a leather strapped ankle bracelet with tiny bells on it, but I never wear it because the incessant tinkling makes me need to pee. Oh, and I think I have a total of three, no, four bells on our Christmas tree. One was mine and I inherited the other three when My Guy rang my bell.

Highlights

A baby frog (again with the baby frogs! this is not a haven y'all) hopped into the house through the front door today. I squealed and yelled at it "GET OUT! Turnaroundturnaroundnow get the hell ouuuuut!"

...and it did!

Mom and I went for a brief walk at noon to brush out the cobwebs. The sky was grey and gloomy. It smelled metallic like it was going to rain.

...and it did! REALLY hard. We were only 1/2 a block away from the office, but by the time we ran to the doors it looked as though we'd been in the shower fully clothed. Soaked. Through.

We went out to dinner with the 'Rents - our usual Thursday, hey let's make the weekend feel longer trick. I wanted to eat cedar planked salmon, and guess what?

....I did! And it was rockin' good. Sweet sauce on top, but with mustard seeds so it had a terrific balance. A side of crunchy broccoli. Just. yum.

Now I'm just sitting around Ego Googling my stage name to read old dance reviews. The good ones still make me happy and I still get pissed at the bad ones all over again. I wonder if that will ever go away with time.

...I doubt it!

There Seems to Be a Theme with the Men in My Family

Not only do they like to pick their own noses...

Things I Miss

Inspired by Whiskeymarie's random post the other day, I went picture searching for a random post of my own and discovered a theme:

Things I Miss.

Even though he had a really butchered haircut, I miss My Guy (aka "Patches") who has been in Chicago since Monday - returning Wednesday night. Late. Way late. Too late for me to pick him up in Miami...I guess I don't miss him that much.


Now that she is back staying at my parents house, I miss my cat Moon.


aka: Monkey, Kitten, Fleabag, Monster, Moonpie, Barfer, Pukefest, Upchuck...mkay, I guess I don't miss her that much either.


Now that he is in daycare, I miss having my nephew Ryder at the office...maybe I also miss my thumb.


Speaking of the office, I miss Stella the Elusive Gecko...poor Stella. RIP pal. We were wondering where you got to.


Stanley misses her too. "STELLA!"


Lastly, I miss Pops dressing up at the family gathering as Santa and coming down the stairs on Christmas Eve mistakenly declaring "Fee Fi Fo Fum!" instead of "Ho Ho Ho!" all the while scaring the crap out of the littlest one in the clan. Ryder's turn this time. Oh hey look at that...this year's almost over. I can look forward to this is T-minus 20 days and counting.

Yes - that's his real beard. (What you can't see is that Old Saint Nick has a groovy ponytail under that red hat!)

Hey! Look What I Got!

How beautiful are these? They came from my secret boyfriend in Cali. Ha!



Happy days, pals...these are happy days.

We were at The Falcon House recently, and the bartender was telling us of this obnoxious Boca Raton type that had come in and made a fuss about the mint in his Mojito. Thus was born the troublesome herb's new container:

Def Comedy Losers

Last Night's Fear

8 White Women plus Def Comedy Jam Night in West Palm Beach minus Getting There On Time equals All Night Ridicule.

Last Night's Reality

Got There In Plenty of Time plus Front Row Seats minus Looking Like Soccer Moms equals All Night Ridicule.

In Other News...

Giant ants have taken over West Palm Beach...They are known to lure you into their lair by standing stock still, until you are too close to escape their grasp.



What was left of that man on the floor would make Rasputin cry...



And what is left of the freshly killed victims is then dragged back to the Queen, where she is nourished, thus able to lay her eggs at the bottom of a stripper pole.



The last thing I remember was a man with a chunk taken out of his side scrabbling wildly to call 911 on an out of order payphone. Alas, I am the only one left.



I Am Legend.

Apparently, I'm Pie...The Dried Fruity Kind

You Are Mince Pie

Admit it, this isn't the first time that someone has called you "fruity"

What Holiday Food Are You?

Having One of Those Mornings

A nice one! I woke up too early to justify getting up, and too late to justify going back to sleep, so I read a few chapters of my new Bill Bryson book Shakespeare: The World As Stage. Then I heard a bird (a redwing) singing outside so I got up - tried not to disturb My Guy - looked out the window with the hope that the birds had returned to the long abandoned feeder, but only saw the chirper at eye level on the top of the tree in the backyard.

Stomach rumbled, feet led me downstairs to fridge. When I got to the window in the kitchen, the redwing was hanging off the feeder having his own late version of Thanksgiving. The seed was flying!

I boiled two eggs, made some toast for "dipping soldiers," took my orange juice and went outside to enjoy breakfast and NPR's Morning Edition on the laptop while the world brightened up.

Sound gay? So I'm gay...and having a lovely morning.

Ken's Fashion Show

Mmkay - so I may have chickened out a bit...I went to Target and bought some clothes. I was feeling really intimidated about the prospect of the teeny tiny stitches.

Here what we came up with:

Fashion Show MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Vera Wrong's "The Chillin' With My Strongbow Cider" look



Fashion Show MC: Complete with accessories: Bitchin' shades and the ever-present cell phone. It can be looped on your belt, but unfortunately, Ken's beltless pants have a velcro butt closure.
Ken: Barbie, I think it's for you!
Barbie: Get an iPhone, loser. You're so 1998.



Fashion Show MC: Uh, Ken? What's up with the cuffed one-legged look? Did you bike here? Chain Snagging your pants?
Ken: Ha ha! No Mr FSMC. I just wanted to show the folks my spiffy Keds.
Fashion Show MC: Stop it Ken, you're just embarrassing yourself now. Go backstage and change into your second outfit.



Ken: But don't you want to see how I can slide my super shades onto my head...?
Fashion Show MC: Seriously, stop it. Get back there and undo that velcro. Trot on! Trot, trot!



Ken: I've pretty much had enough of the whole runway thing. I think I'm going to hit the track for real and go for a run in my sweats, swishy track pants, and matching shades and blue tinted sunnies.



Fashion Show MC: Not in those Man Slides you're not.



Ken: Oh! Ha ha...look at that. These are Chad's shower slippers. I must've accidentally picked them up when we were showering together at the gym...err...



Ken: Uh, maybe I'll just stroll over to the track anyway and, umm, help Chad stretch.

Ken's Big Adventure

My nephew K has run into a small dilemma. His Ken doll came with board shorts (Surfer Ken), but they have since been lost. He requested that Auntie Lollie make some clothes for him, so I had to take him home for a "fitting."

Here was our day:

Ken: Safety first!



Lollie: Hey Ken, could you grab the mail for me?



Ken: May as well take advantage of the fact that I'll have no tan lines.
Lollie: Or genitalia...



Ken: Such a lovely day - Hey America, don't forget to stop and smell the flowers. (How's my ass crack? You like that?)
Lollie: Pretty - no really - I love your bubble butt.



Ken: I think I'll have me a snack and maybe read some comic books.
Lollie: You mean "graphic novels."
Ken: Yeah, whatever lady.
Lollie: I hope you have a peanut allergy.



Ken: Or maybe just watch a little boob tube.
Lollie: Queer as Folk is on channel 310.



Ken: I need to go drain the lizard - all that beer Chad and I drank earlier is getting to me. Are you coming? What?! At least I don't need to go "drop the kids off at the pool!"
Lollie: Alright, I'll play Annie Leibovitz as long as its only number 1.



Lollie: Remember, two full rounds and use really hot water - here we go.
Ken: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear Ken doll, Happy Birthday to me. Second verse! Same as the first! Happy Birthday to me...



Ken: Whew. I'm not used to all this activity - I usually just lay around all day in a pile of Legos and pirate swords. I think I'll have a quick nap.



Ken: *Yawn* Hey! What's going on here? Are you putting my naked pictures on your blog? WTF!?
Lollie: Uh...no.



Ray: What are you doing with a naked Ken doll?



Lollie: Uh...nothing.

Holy Crap It's Early!

Why is that when you have something really important to do at 5:30 in the morning, a drunken, mumbling hobo, locked doors at location 1, no responses, a freezing room, locked doors at location 2 and no transporter want to get in your way?

This all was much less interesting than it sounds, but there you have it. It eventually all worked out.

Is That Even Possible? Maybe This Is What People Refer To As A Miracle...

Our former travel agent, with whom we were quite close, was diagnosed with Stage 4 bone cancer a while back.

She just called to give us an update.

She's in remission!! Yay! It's a great day for J.

If I Could Turn Back Time

...or actually push it forward.

I picked My Guy up from the airport yesterday with the plan that he would change into the clothes I brought him for my nephew's school auction. We put the suitcase in the trunk and opened the back door to retrieve his clothes. It was warm and dark out already and he didn't want to be encumbered by trying to wrestle in and out of his clothes in the front seat, so he somewhat reluctantly and shyly stood on the passenger side with the car door open. He whipped off his T-shirt and replaced it with a French Blue button down.

Then the pants.

He was just about to pull down his jeans when the car alarm next to him went off and an old lady walked by staring, wondering what the commotion was. ZIP! And into the car he went to wrestle with his dress pants. I immediately turned to him and said, "I am SO blogging about this!"

Is it wrong that I wished he had actually been caught with his pants down?

Invasion of the Froggy Snatchers

After I finished with Blazing Saddles last night, I watched a wee bit of the news. There was a short piece on dirty restaurants (yuck) that have a "clean" bill of health, but are still serving food even though the place is infested with rats and roaches (gag).

Note to readers: Don't eat in Florida.

So to bed I goes....into dreamland. Don't really remember the dreams, but I think there were some dirty, nasty little creatures in them.

Cut to me in the morning, downstairs in the kitchen with bedhead, white sweat pants and wife beater. I'm searching for tea and I look down to see what I think is a dime sized piece of dirt? (closer) Balled up huge piece of schmutzy black string? (closer) Smudged moth? (closer) Goddammit! Is that a roach? Do I have fucking roaches now? I just got rid of the ants!! I'm going to give that exterminator a piece of my...(closer).

Oh.

It's a baby frog.

My mind: "HowcutehowweirdhowtheFdidababytoadytoad
getinmykitchenIhaven'topenedthebackdoorfordays!?



So I glassed the poor slow moving (pretty sure) hungry soul and set him free in the backyard. I wonder if I'll ever see him again.

My Mind: Probablywillgrowbigandstrongand
you'llfishhisdeadassoutofthepoolin6months.

From The Sublime To The Ridiculous - But I Like The Ridiculous Better!

I started my day inundated with Shakespeare, a book, a few quotes here and there, a poster.

I'm ending my day with Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles. Could Madeline Kahn be any greater as Lili Von Shtupp? Her "I'm Tired" song sung in that low register is fabulous -the best is the moment where she hangs in for a long note and has to breathe in to keep it going. Her timing was impeccable. I can't believe that bitch cancer got her.

WTF?

This "Fall Back" crap is kicking my ass. It's only 9:30 and I'm seriously considering falling back into bed.

A Few Things That Not Many People Know About Me

I'm not allowed to do laundry
My big toes are kinda hairy
I like to drive with the radio on scan so I can hear 4 second snippets of what's on the waves
One of my favourite snacks is room temperature organic cherry tomatoes
I have sensitive teeth
I have nothing against fruit, but I usually can't be bothered with the whole unwrapping business (that, and it's usually cold)
I wish I had the guts to do Karaoke
I'm attracted to men with big noses
I sometimes still add and subtract on my fingers
I could watch Jack Black all day
Public speaking makes my hands sweat profusely
I am convinced that someday I will succumb to the urge to stomp on my brakes when some a-hole is tailgating me
I want a white tattoo

Beauty, And Then The Beasts

I was challenged by Kat to take some pictures of the serious ugly I was encountering in this most beautiful place. Behold the loveliness...

Our Balcony (sick, right? That pirate ship went by every morning.)



Mogán, Las Palmas (Hi! Could I be more picturesque?)



The beach at Maspalomas, or was it Playa del Ingles? I can't remember, I think I had a big Mohito... (yes, that's a fire-breathing dragon)



Please imagine that this picture had been styled by Food and Wine - it would look a hell of a lot better. (however - the taste of this paella was outstanding no matter how it looked)



Cafe Hao in Santa Lucia (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up in the mountains)



And another beautiful shot of the buildings (not all were like this, many were white washed a la Greece, but I loved the stone)



Here we are in the white washed state of mind (literally, I was seeing white spots with the lack of oxygen...I love altitude...makes me woozy)



And now Ladies and Gents, for the Ugly.

Behold the Swedish Speedo Wearing I Have No Idea What I Look Like Man (And Maybe Nor Do I Care)



and



and



There was another spectacular bright orange one that drooped nearly to his knees, but he kept sitting down every time I grabbed my camera (his tummy covered the evidence). Dammit, it was good.

Men , women and children of all ages, prepare your eyes! In the left portion of the stage we have the all too oft seen...

German Man Boobs!! If I had caught him a second later, his bresteses (thanks for that one whiskeymarie) would have beautifully lit from above, revealing the fullness of his gorgeous tats.



(I'm going to hell for this aren't I?)

Who Cares?!!

Man Boob Part Deux! I particularly liked this set for their fur frame.



And speaking of fur frames, we come to the Grande Finale of our show. Turn your attention to the Center Ring! It's a Steve Carrel Wannabe! He just wouldn't let the girl finish the job! He was so traumatized he had to run screaming from the waxing table, jump on the nearest plane from Hairyvilla, Italy and traumatize the rest of us.



Let me finish by just saying Wow. How'd I do Kat?