Def Comedy Losers

Last Night's Fear

8 White Women plus Def Comedy Jam Night in West Palm Beach minus Getting There On Time equals All Night Ridicule.

Last Night's Reality

Got There In Plenty of Time plus Front Row Seats minus Looking Like Soccer Moms equals All Night Ridicule.

In Other News...

Giant ants have taken over West Palm Beach...They are known to lure you into their lair by standing stock still, until you are too close to escape their grasp.



What was left of that man on the floor would make Rasputin cry...



And what is left of the freshly killed victims is then dragged back to the Queen, where she is nourished, thus able to lay her eggs at the bottom of a stripper pole.



The last thing I remember was a man with a chunk taken out of his side scrabbling wildly to call 911 on an out of order payphone. Alas, I am the only one left.



I Am Legend.

Apparently, I'm Pie...The Dried Fruity Kind

You Are Mince Pie

Admit it, this isn't the first time that someone has called you "fruity"

What Holiday Food Are You?

Having One of Those Mornings

A nice one! I woke up too early to justify getting up, and too late to justify going back to sleep, so I read a few chapters of my new Bill Bryson book Shakespeare: The World As Stage. Then I heard a bird (a redwing) singing outside so I got up - tried not to disturb My Guy - looked out the window with the hope that the birds had returned to the long abandoned feeder, but only saw the chirper at eye level on the top of the tree in the backyard.

Stomach rumbled, feet led me downstairs to fridge. When I got to the window in the kitchen, the redwing was hanging off the feeder having his own late version of Thanksgiving. The seed was flying!

I boiled two eggs, made some toast for "dipping soldiers," took my orange juice and went outside to enjoy breakfast and NPR's Morning Edition on the laptop while the world brightened up.

Sound gay? So I'm gay...and having a lovely morning.

Ken's Fashion Show

Mmkay - so I may have chickened out a bit...I went to Target and bought some clothes. I was feeling really intimidated about the prospect of the teeny tiny stitches.

Here what we came up with:

Fashion Show MC: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Vera Wrong's "The Chillin' With My Strongbow Cider" look



Fashion Show MC: Complete with accessories: Bitchin' shades and the ever-present cell phone. It can be looped on your belt, but unfortunately, Ken's beltless pants have a velcro butt closure.
Ken: Barbie, I think it's for you!
Barbie: Get an iPhone, loser. You're so 1998.



Fashion Show MC: Uh, Ken? What's up with the cuffed one-legged look? Did you bike here? Chain Snagging your pants?
Ken: Ha ha! No Mr FSMC. I just wanted to show the folks my spiffy Keds.
Fashion Show MC: Stop it Ken, you're just embarrassing yourself now. Go backstage and change into your second outfit.



Ken: But don't you want to see how I can slide my super shades onto my head...?
Fashion Show MC: Seriously, stop it. Get back there and undo that velcro. Trot on! Trot, trot!



Ken: I've pretty much had enough of the whole runway thing. I think I'm going to hit the track for real and go for a run in my sweats, swishy track pants, and matching shades and blue tinted sunnies.



Fashion Show MC: Not in those Man Slides you're not.



Ken: Oh! Ha ha...look at that. These are Chad's shower slippers. I must've accidentally picked them up when we were showering together at the gym...err...



Ken: Uh, maybe I'll just stroll over to the track anyway and, umm, help Chad stretch.

Ken's Big Adventure

My nephew K has run into a small dilemma. His Ken doll came with board shorts (Surfer Ken), but they have since been lost. He requested that Auntie Lollie make some clothes for him, so I had to take him home for a "fitting."

Here was our day:

Ken: Safety first!



Lollie: Hey Ken, could you grab the mail for me?



Ken: May as well take advantage of the fact that I'll have no tan lines.
Lollie: Or genitalia...



Ken: Such a lovely day - Hey America, don't forget to stop and smell the flowers. (How's my ass crack? You like that?)
Lollie: Pretty - no really - I love your bubble butt.



Ken: I think I'll have me a snack and maybe read some comic books.
Lollie: You mean "graphic novels."
Ken: Yeah, whatever lady.
Lollie: I hope you have a peanut allergy.



Ken: Or maybe just watch a little boob tube.
Lollie: Queer as Folk is on channel 310.



Ken: I need to go drain the lizard - all that beer Chad and I drank earlier is getting to me. Are you coming? What?! At least I don't need to go "drop the kids off at the pool!"
Lollie: Alright, I'll play Annie Leibovitz as long as its only number 1.



Lollie: Remember, two full rounds and use really hot water - here we go.
Ken: Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear Ken doll, Happy Birthday to me. Second verse! Same as the first! Happy Birthday to me...



Ken: Whew. I'm not used to all this activity - I usually just lay around all day in a pile of Legos and pirate swords. I think I'll have a quick nap.



Ken: *Yawn* Hey! What's going on here? Are you putting my naked pictures on your blog? WTF!?
Lollie: Uh...no.



Ray: What are you doing with a naked Ken doll?



Lollie: Uh...nothing.

Holy Crap It's Early!

Why is that when you have something really important to do at 5:30 in the morning, a drunken, mumbling hobo, locked doors at location 1, no responses, a freezing room, locked doors at location 2 and no transporter want to get in your way?

This all was much less interesting than it sounds, but there you have it. It eventually all worked out.

Is That Even Possible? Maybe This Is What People Refer To As A Miracle...

Our former travel agent, with whom we were quite close, was diagnosed with Stage 4 bone cancer a while back.

She just called to give us an update.

She's in remission!! Yay! It's a great day for J.

If I Could Turn Back Time

...or actually push it forward.

I picked My Guy up from the airport yesterday with the plan that he would change into the clothes I brought him for my nephew's school auction. We put the suitcase in the trunk and opened the back door to retrieve his clothes. It was warm and dark out already and he didn't want to be encumbered by trying to wrestle in and out of his clothes in the front seat, so he somewhat reluctantly and shyly stood on the passenger side with the car door open. He whipped off his T-shirt and replaced it with a French Blue button down.

Then the pants.

He was just about to pull down his jeans when the car alarm next to him went off and an old lady walked by staring, wondering what the commotion was. ZIP! And into the car he went to wrestle with his dress pants. I immediately turned to him and said, "I am SO blogging about this!"

Is it wrong that I wished he had actually been caught with his pants down?

Invasion of the Froggy Snatchers

After I finished with Blazing Saddles last night, I watched a wee bit of the news. There was a short piece on dirty restaurants (yuck) that have a "clean" bill of health, but are still serving food even though the place is infested with rats and roaches (gag).

Note to readers: Don't eat in Florida.

So to bed I goes....into dreamland. Don't really remember the dreams, but I think there were some dirty, nasty little creatures in them.

Cut to me in the morning, downstairs in the kitchen with bedhead, white sweat pants and wife beater. I'm searching for tea and I look down to see what I think is a dime sized piece of dirt? (closer) Balled up huge piece of schmutzy black string? (closer) Smudged moth? (closer) Goddammit! Is that a roach? Do I have fucking roaches now? I just got rid of the ants!! I'm going to give that exterminator a piece of my...(closer).

Oh.

It's a baby frog.

My mind: "HowcutehowweirdhowtheFdidababytoadytoad
getinmykitchenIhaven'topenedthebackdoorfordays!?



So I glassed the poor slow moving (pretty sure) hungry soul and set him free in the backyard. I wonder if I'll ever see him again.

My Mind: Probablywillgrowbigandstrongand
you'llfishhisdeadassoutofthepoolin6months.

From The Sublime To The Ridiculous - But I Like The Ridiculous Better!

I started my day inundated with Shakespeare, a book, a few quotes here and there, a poster.

I'm ending my day with Mel Brooks' Blazing Saddles. Could Madeline Kahn be any greater as Lili Von Shtupp? Her "I'm Tired" song sung in that low register is fabulous -the best is the moment where she hangs in for a long note and has to breathe in to keep it going. Her timing was impeccable. I can't believe that bitch cancer got her.

WTF?

This "Fall Back" crap is kicking my ass. It's only 9:30 and I'm seriously considering falling back into bed.

A Few Things That Not Many People Know About Me

I'm not allowed to do laundry
My big toes are kinda hairy
I like to drive with the radio on scan so I can hear 4 second snippets of what's on the waves
One of my favourite snacks is room temperature organic cherry tomatoes
I have sensitive teeth
I have nothing against fruit, but I usually can't be bothered with the whole unwrapping business (that, and it's usually cold)
I wish I had the guts to do Karaoke
I'm attracted to men with big noses
I sometimes still add and subtract on my fingers
I could watch Jack Black all day
Public speaking makes my hands sweat profusely
I am convinced that someday I will succumb to the urge to stomp on my brakes when some a-hole is tailgating me
I want a white tattoo

Beauty, And Then The Beasts

I was challenged by Kat to take some pictures of the serious ugly I was encountering in this most beautiful place. Behold the loveliness...

Our Balcony (sick, right? That pirate ship went by every morning.)



Mogán, Las Palmas (Hi! Could I be more picturesque?)



The beach at Maspalomas, or was it Playa del Ingles? I can't remember, I think I had a big Mohito... (yes, that's a fire-breathing dragon)



Please imagine that this picture had been styled by Food and Wine - it would look a hell of a lot better. (however - the taste of this paella was outstanding no matter how it looked)



Cafe Hao in Santa Lucia (waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay up in the mountains)



And another beautiful shot of the buildings (not all were like this, many were white washed a la Greece, but I loved the stone)



Here we are in the white washed state of mind (literally, I was seeing white spots with the lack of oxygen...I love altitude...makes me woozy)



And now Ladies and Gents, for the Ugly.

Behold the Swedish Speedo Wearing I Have No Idea What I Look Like Man (And Maybe Nor Do I Care)



and



and



There was another spectacular bright orange one that drooped nearly to his knees, but he kept sitting down every time I grabbed my camera (his tummy covered the evidence). Dammit, it was good.

Men , women and children of all ages, prepare your eyes! In the left portion of the stage we have the all too oft seen...

German Man Boobs!! If I had caught him a second later, his bresteses (thanks for that one whiskeymarie) would have beautifully lit from above, revealing the fullness of his gorgeous tats.



(I'm going to hell for this aren't I?)

Who Cares?!!

Man Boob Part Deux! I particularly liked this set for their fur frame.



And speaking of fur frames, we come to the Grande Finale of our show. Turn your attention to the Center Ring! It's a Steve Carrel Wannabe! He just wouldn't let the girl finish the job! He was so traumatized he had to run screaming from the waxing table, jump on the nearest plane from Hairyvilla, Italy and traumatize the rest of us.



Let me finish by just saying Wow. How'd I do Kat?