Saturday, February 24, 2007

Pancakes Anyone?

Unlike some others I have heard about recently, I do not possess fabulous boobs. They are small and, apparently as I found out today, dense (densely tissued, not unintelligent). I like them just fine, but right now, they do not like me.

I just got back from my very first mammogram, or as I prefer to refer to it, my first pinch-a-gram.

Gents, you are lucky. It's really not as bad as the horrors I have heard from several women, but if y'all had to disrobe in front of a male doctor, whose first action is to put a little sticker on the end of your member, only to then have it handled, hauled and hurled in different directions only to be squashed flat, not only vertically, but diagonally too, I'm sure you boys would find a cure to cancer about as quickly as the time it takes to chew all of the flavour out of a stick of Juicy Fruit.


17 comments:

cK said...

If it helps even the score a bit, I had a very unpleasant testicular cancer exam once. The doctor worked on my nuts as he might the rusted nuts on an engine block. And then he sent me for a sonogram, which was messy but really the most calming medical appointment of my life.

Photo comment: I can't believe Ray let you post this one from his private collection of syrup and boob photos!
-cK

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

LOL!! Oh my cK - you are saucy after a night of...what did you call it?...deleriousness?

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

...or maybe even deliriousness - guh.

JC said...

Not to take away from your unpleasant experience Lollie but once we menfolk reach a certain age we must also subject ourselves to the yearly probing of our ahem.... rectal cavity.

just sayin'...

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

So jc, you'll be catching up on all the cervical exams and rectal checks we've had since we were 15...that's good. Let me know if I can give you any pointers.

Hulles said...

Ahem, they're called digital prostate exams -- the finger being the digit, of course -- and they're much worse for men than they are for women. I forget why this is exactly, but trust me that it's so. And I still have you all beat with a kidney stone.

You calm cK down from your end, I'll see what I can do from this end. Deliriosity is bad for the testicles.

I can't believe I experienced a momentary tinge of jealousy from seeing all these men on your site! Hunh.

XO,
that one guy

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

I'll see your kidney stone with meningitis and raise you with a needle to the butt that got rerouted to my sciatic nerve. All in the same hospital visit.

That and corns in pointe shoes.

Kidney stones are bad though. Are you drinking enough water now? I am a camel BTW - hate drinking water.

Hulles said...

Yow. You win. And speaking of pointe shoes, thanks for the demo, the toes taste like balsa wood which is what I always thought it was. At least you used one that wasn't all yucked up prior to sticking it up my ass.

I try to drink enough water now. I wrote extensively about the kidney stone episode (of course) in a blog post called "Plip!" that I kind of like still. The post, not the kidney stone, which I really did look for so I could turn it into an earring. I just have an emerald in my left ear as it is. And four tattoos. And why am I talking about body art? What? I can't believe you're out of Bud Lights.

cK said...

That photo continues to gross me out.

Sassmaster said...

I second the cK on the photo. I wonder what that lady's mammograms are like. No, on second thought, I won't wonder about that at all.

Damn medical device companies ought to come up with something better than a flat square plate with pointy corners to use in a mammogram. It's like they've never seen a breast before. Why are they forcing my flesh to conform to their machines instead of the other way around?

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

Hulles: four tattoos - where, what and why?

cK: It's kinda grossing me out too. I want to write another post so that I can get her schmeebs past my scrolling point, but I get so hinky that I just have to close out. She's going to have to go soon.

Sassmaster: Yeah, don't wonder about it. In fact, I'm going to take her off and try really hard to unremember the whole thing.

Hulles said...

Re: Tattoos. I have four on my upper arms, all dragons, all from modified flash, all done in different countries. The first was done in Dalkeith, Scotland, the second in Basel, Switzerland, the third on Queen Street in Toronto, Canada (almost doesn't count!), and the fourth in Reykjavik, Iceland. I love them because they represent so much to me (and I think they're sort of cool looking too but I am the dad after all). I've tried to get people I care about to have them sliced off, tanned and mounted when I kak but no takers so far. XOXO.

LaCosta (Lollie) said...

This is the second time you've left me wondering about a Canadian comment...you no like-a the Canucks? What's wrong with Trahnoe? Wimpy tattoo? Or was that a reference to Queen Street? I had the best ice cream ever in Toronto (summer school at The National Ballet, circa 1971... '72?). My mom has a thing with dragons too. She has them all over her house. Her Tai Chi form is The Great Swimming Dragon. It's quite beautiful.

What is modified flash? I'm a tattoo virgin. I always wanted a Japanese white tattoo, but alas, I don't blush as they do when drinking, so it wouldn't show.

Hulles said...

Oops, didn't know you stuck a response on here. And ahem, miss, about the picture? I'm starting to dread coming to your blog. Really, no shit. I meant Canada almost doesn't count as a foreign country, is all. But we'll talk about Canada soon. I have opinions, imagine that. I'm sure we'll disputand 'em.

Flash is what they call the pictures in the books that you can use to select a design for your tattoo. It's the opposite of an original or free-hand tattoo. Flash gets a bad rap in the tattoo world because the implication is that any moron tattoo artist can do the paint-by-number gig. I happen to like flash for my purposes though, because I don't have a ton of time to spend on tattoo art when I'm traveling and I usually modify the flash anyway to personalize it a little bit. Plus the flash in the books is often sort of a collection of the best work of some of the best artists in the business, so it doesn't all suck.

Tattoo virgin, eh? Hunh. Sounds kind of cool.

Hulles said...

THANK YOU!

Hulles said...

Thank you some more. It's nice coming here and not dreading the initial arrival. XO.

Hulles said...

And I missed your bloomers.