My Baloney Has a First Name...It's O.S.C.A.R.

Naw...not really. It's actually pretty good so far. I like the more intimate atmosphere, the set looks fab and I thought Hugh Jackman's opening was loser-ish to start (cause I generally loathe Broadway antics), but it really grew on me. You can only pull that shit off if you give 140%, and he sure did it, so kudos Mr. Jackman. PS - my husband still thinks you're gay.

Tilda, Tilda, Tilda. How much do I love thee? You are one hot lady, Lady. Like my guy, I too believe I could sit and listen to you recite the phonebook. You are your own woman and that is to be admired. Say hi to your husband for me...oh, and your boyfriend too. Kisses. PS - love the crazy eyes.

Could Penelope have been wearing a more cream puffy dress? No. I wanted to lick it. Ray thought Goldie looked stretched in all the wrong places. I thought she looks like she always looked. Ray also thought Angelica Huston looked like Elvira, rethought that to Elvira's aging mother and the escalated that to Elvira's aging mother's vagina.

Was it me or did Aniston make nice in the direction of Brangelina for a hot smiling moment? Of course the producers had to get in a quick shot of Angie while Jen was speaking. Nice fakery on the smile Ms. Jolie. You can't fool us. We know you're an actress. 

Sarica Jessica Parker needs to go back to blonde. I also want her mole to make a comeback ala Mickey Rourke. Her boobs can stay. Daniel Craig? You. Are. Hot. Especially when you smile.

Am I bitching too much? Sounds like it. I am actually enjoying the show. I may have had too much wine however. On with it!

Hey Twilight guy. You played a vampire in the movie...you can let the look go now. And I will express to all who care to listen right now: Coldplay is romance, take a whiff.

Hasidic Meth Lab! Bahahha! Natalie Portman and Joaquin Stiller carried that off brilliantly. 

Awwww, Jessica Biel. The hair, draggy and dirty as it looked, was the shining light of your look. Your dress looked like, well, you ran out of the Beverly Hills Wiltshire super late for the show and only had time to wrap yourself in the satin bedsheets on the drive over. Girlfriend...an oversized bow does not an Oscar gown make. Go home and find your real dress immediately. You will not be let into any after party looking like that. JT - really, how could you let her out like that?

James Franco watching James Franco making out with Milk? Priceless. Seth Rogan pronouncing Spielzeugland? Priceless. The short film winner's speech being longer than his short film? Priceless.

Liked the opening Hugh, but a second Broadway-esque number is a second one too many. Especially when it involves Beyonce's thunder thighs painted in lipstick red doing movie medleys. *Sigh* I liked this Oscar show. Please note the past tense. 

And if the Oscars are on a budget this year, how are they paying all these union dancers? Honestly, this is the worst thing Baz Luhrmann has ever done. Stick to musicals on film Bazzie, or you will end up with an Oscar/Razzie. Phhhttttt.

Okay I like it again. The supporting actress and actor presentations are very cool and personal. 

Apparently, Christopher Walken thought it would be cool to emulate Michael Shannon's hair style. Not really your look Chris, feel free to tuck the locks back behind your ears...makes you look a little less crazy (if that's at all possible).

Yay. Heath.

OMFG. Is Bill Maher wearing a rubber latex tuxedo?!? 

Another priceless moment? The documentary winner saying he was going to make the shortest speech ever in Oscar history with his thrilled "Yes!" And then babbling on beautifully, performing a magic trick and balancing Oscar on his chin. 

An aside: All Oscar nominated documentarians should wear running shoes, not heels or tux slippers, to the event so they can make the mad dash from the back of the theatre where they are so rudely relegated so that they may have more time to speak at the podium than they do to actually get to the podium.

As should the visual effects people.

As should the poor breathless sound mixers. Jesus, it sounds like the Slumdog Millionaire sound dude ran all the way from Mumbai.

Oh sweet baby jeebus. They just announced an upcoming tribute to Jerry Lewis. If this involves singing and dancing in top hats again, I'm going to bed. You had me, you lost me, you had me, you lost me.  It just makes me tired.

I take it back. Jerry knows how to make a lovely and perfectly short speech. And also knows when to ix-nay the op hat-tay. I wonder if he had to Judo chop Hugh backstage to preempt another dance number?

Seriously, Alicia. You have got to cool it with the shading. You have a good nose. No improvement needed.

Queen singing to the In Memoriam was a lovely touch. Unfortunately, my son was crying throughout the entire presentation so I have no idea who kicked it this year.

Okay..I'm back - not sure what I missed, but we are up to the Best Actress presentation.

(I think I missed Sophia Loren...crap!), Shirley MacLaine, Do-dah from last year, Halle and her incredible dress, ooop, nope,  I didn't miss Sophia. Hmm. She looks a little bit like too crispy bacon. Chica still has a kickin' body though. And Nicole I Have To Read My Lines Kidman. So much for the personal message. Sorry Angie Jo.

Guh - I thought Kate Winslet would have learned her lesson from her performance at the Golden Globes. We've had enough of your breathlessness. It just sounds phony now. Okay the whistle and wave to her dad was cute. Not sure about her hair...the fake bob is a bit weird. If you want it short, then just cut it short.

Best Actors DeNiro, Kingsley, Hopkins, Brody and Douglas. Now that is a stage fulla man! Take Robert's sex appeal, Sir Ben's kind eyes, Anthony's accent, Adrian's nose (I like big ones - that's what she said!), and Michael's confidence and you have my perfect man.

One of the best quotes of the night came from best actor Sean Penn, "I know how hard I make it to make you appreciate me."

Best Picture - Slumdog Millionaire. My friend Suj must be going apeshit. I must see this movie. Goodnight y'alls. It is waaaay past my bedtime.