Chuffed to Conkers

Has anyone else heard of this expression? My Pops said it the other day, after he'd figured something HUGE out at work. He expressed that he was "chuffed, really, really chuffed." He was grinning as he said it. The smile threw me off. My ears and eyes were getting drastically different messages.

Ears: Oooh, he said chuffed (whateverthehellthatmeans)...he must be pissed.

Eyes: Pops is smiling his "apple cheeks" smile...he must be really pleased.

Turns out Eyes were right.

Then we had them over for dinner and were talking about childhood games. The conversation turned to Conkers - some shit about drilling a hole in a chestnut "acorn" and stringing a piece of twine though it to make a weapon. Well, not exactly a weapon, but a device that they would then hit each others' conkers with to see whose would crack into a million bits first, thus losing.

?

Whatever, everyone was poor then - it was the war.

So the conversation progressed and Pops reminisced about how as kids in the 50s in England, they'd used the expression "chuffed to conkers." Chuffed to conkers...chuffed to conkers.

Took me a while, but I finally got it. Thrilled to pieces! Cool. This is going to be my new catch phrase.

Today I was chuffed to conkers seeing the expression on my Subway guy's face when I ordered this way: "I'd like a foot long chicken bacon ranch on Parmesan white bread with extra cheese tomato lettuce light on the ranch dressing and a six inch seafood with with all the vegetables pepper vinegar and just so you know there is a roach crawling on the wall behind you oh look it's going behind the microwave and it's back out hey yeah look right there...behind you dude."

Chuffed.

To Conkers.

Oh, Hi

So I haven't visited in a while - nearly a week to be exact. I think I needed to come down from my high, my New York State of Mind, my Big Apple Snapple.

Actually, being home is pretty lovely too.

Just getting back into the rhythm of working in the office (not a desk in the corner of an apartment), of a really superfire fast Internet connection (not stolen kinda slow wireless from upstairs), of sarcasm and laughter throughout the day with E (not mumbling to myself or the cast of Passions). So yeah, good to be home folks.

The Rents are coming to join the party on the next visit, so I hope the airbed shows up on time. I hear hardwood floors are really, well, hard. Also, note to self, return sheer living room curtains to JC Penny (ps A - what was I thinking buying sheers to conceal the visitors sleeping on the floor from the students at Brooklyn Tech, ps B - JC Penny rocks the house when it comes to window treatments people, cute and cheap!).

So, I'm making a promise to pay better attention to what is going on around me so that I may grace your eyes with something more amusing than my blah blah blah on regular life. That, or your going to have to wait until September for the next set of Northern Antics.

Notes To Self

• don't take a modern class after five years of no dance classes whatsoever
  
• don't take the entire class, grande allegro included (for those who don't do dance speak, this means the last half hour where all you do is jump and eat up the space (with a knee injury and oh did I mention not taking class in like 5 years?)
• don't go to Moe's bar and take Barishnikov's advice to drink vodka post dance class as it it supposedly "good for the muscles" (which were quivering like jellyfish during the last hour of class BTW)
• don't have three shots of Vanilla Stoli with a coke chaser (two would've done you just fine on a Thursday night)
• make sure you chat with John The Inspiring K Through 5 Phys Ed Teacher
  
• don't toddle home and decide to warm up left overs and run a bath at the same time
• have the good sense to turn off the flame on the food - check
• get in hot bath and stretch (thanks Cyndi for the sage advice)
• don't drop the Ipod stereo remote control in the bath
• don't try to call husband in bath while you worry about dropping yet another electonic device in the hot water
• remember to stretch Babushka, stretch
• make sure to drain tub - check, remove glass of water (evidence of sobering up) and reheat food because you truly, reeeeally need it to be be a functioning adult tomorrow morning
• get in bed before husband comes home from business dinner in Manhattan, act like everything is normal
• avoid headache in the am by remembering to take Advil before crashing
• above all: pay mucho attentione to spellcheck
• Say goodnight Gracie
• Goodnight Gracie!

Suck It, DTV

HAHAHAHHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! Victory is mine you effers.

Today is Thursday

- I FIXED THE TV! Me! I attached the new box, I did all the setting up BS, I activated it and I have enjoyed watching it ALL DAY.

What's Lower Than A Lowlight?

It's just so ridiculous that I'm beyond caring and I'm just purely entertained now. Last installment had us waiting for Tuesday's appointment wherein the "specialist" would come and fill the holes on the wall after removing the bracket. Arrangements for a box to be FedExed were made, however, My Guy organizes for the "specialist" to bring another box and install that when he's here hole-filling. Ready? Here we go.

Tuesday

- got an email confirmation that we were getting serviced today, however, it didn't say what service...
- called to confirm that we were having the proper service
- proper service confirmed, be ready to receive said service between 8 and 12.

...

-periodically looking up at clock on stove...hello 8:30, ooh almost didn't see you there 9:15, goodbye 10:20, whacha doin' 11:45, hey lookitthatit's 12:35, maybe I should call since its 1:15, fuck it, I'm busy
- okay so now it's 2:15
- call ensues, prepared to rant
- decides not to rant but to ask the service expert if they think what we're going though is a bit ridiculous...or is this normal?
- service expert, aka Steve, who is delightful and can take shit like the best of them, becomes my buddy
- Steve asks if he can put me on hold for just two minutes while he sorts this out with his supervisor
- Steve returns chuckling a bit (we're old friends by now) saying that we did in fact have an appointment scheduled, just on a day that doesn't exist. It was marked down for 9/9/99.

...

- *guh*
...

- Steve organizes to shut off our service at midnight (so we don't have to pay for what we can't see and haven't seen for the past week) and reschedules the appointment and service for our return date in September

Today is Wednesday

- just to confirm that our service was indeed suspended at midnight, I turn on the TV to discover that the DTV is still coming to our broken-turning-off-every-twenty-seconds box
- I don't even have the energy to call
- thirty minutes later the FedEx dude shows up with a bright shiny new box
- I don't even have the energy to tell him to take it back we don't want it we're getting a new one later and it's coming with a guy who can actually install it

...

- its 5:23 pm, and we still have service
- question: do we torture ourselves and try to install the new box by ourselves tonight?
- bet: if we do get it installed properly and everything is working, what's the over/under on our service getting cut off tonight at midnight?!

DirectTV Highlights...make that LOWLIGHTS

Thursday

- got an appointment for a dish to be installed
- "technician" arrives with flunky running two hours late
- "technician" is shown to roof where tenant (me) states implicitly that the dish but be on the right side of the roof (ours) and not the left side of the roof (the neighbours)
- "technician" nods and proceeds to the left side of the building
- tenant reiterates and says right, not left
- tenant ignored
- tenant meets neighbour who has come up to the roof to "water her plants" and overhears conversation about right side left side
- "technician" finally acknowledges tenant in the "must on be on this side of the building" plea
- "technician" points to placement of dish
- tenant says great
- tenant goes downstairs to makeshift office and proceeds to work for two hours while "technician" and flunky run up and down the stairs
- hours later, work is done, cokes are handed out, sweaty workers leave after getting a 20 buck tip

...

- phone call from husband: "Umm, why is the neighbour calling me saying the dish is on her side?"
- Me: "WHAT!?!?!?!"

...

- dish not only on neighbour's side, but (wait for it...) attached to the wrong building!
- call made, rant ensues, offer to fix with charge, 2nd rant ensues, gets a free of charge appointment for Monday
- tenant goes to neighbour with bottle of red wine peace/apology offering
- sweet, sweet neighbour says no problem, I heard you saying which side it needed to be on, not your fault...never mind the wine, not necessary, in fact you go and open it right now and drink
it - you look like you could use it

Today is Monday

- different "technician" shows up, no uniform, just a tool belt
- "technician" informs tenant that the paper says relocation - meaning box relocation, not dish relocation, "otherwise, Ma'am, you see, the paper would have said, dish relocation"
- has to return to office for dish relocation tools
- tenant tells "technician" that this has to be removed (pointing to dish apparatus) and moved (walks to her side of the roof) to here (pointing at location that is non-negotiable)
- "technician" disappears twice during the day (tenant checks the roof periodically, looks like work progressing at a snail's pace, but in the correct location)
- "technician" can't find black cable, has to return with it
- "technician" returns with black cable and flunky (also a different one)
- Flunky turns out to be expert, sets up TV and declares box to be defective when it shorts out every two minutes
- Flunky/Expert orders new box for tenant, tenant lucky to see box arrive via FedEx by Friday when she flies out

- phone call from husband: "How's it going? Are they done?"
- tenant tells husband about box problem
- husband asks if tenant checked the roof to make sure all is well

...

- retarded tenant let the guys go without checking the roof
- retarded tenant runs up the stairs with fear in heart
- retarded tenant looks around corner to see if dish in correct place, breathes sigh of relief when sees all is well
- until (wait for it...) she looks at old location and sees the 8 inch bolting apparatus still stuck to the neighbours building.

ARGHGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHH!

- call made, rant ensues, "specialist" ordered for tomorrow to remove bolt and caulk holes in building

I can't wait to see how smoothly this goes tomorrow...

This is for Whiskey...

For all the wedding anniversaries that I missed, this one's for you two. It includes Sweaty Vegas Elvis and the Love Child in a duet (and I have to say, I quite like it).

Pea Soup

The picture below is of people in a wave pool at Tokyo Summerland.



How many people do you suppose get tossed out of this puppy when it gets its wave on?
The originating article asked, "How much pee do you think is in this pool?"

No Sleep Till Brooklyn!!

I am in heaven. How much do I love it here? Ask me. ASK ME!! These past two days, I've been roaming streets, eavesdropping, and puttering in a new and empty home, wishing I had a pad and pen with me at all times (lesson learned, hello) so I could share the perfections that have been life. Snippets in Target, bits in coffee shops, shared moments at "home."

The good morning I got from an old man with a cane, discovering that 40 Acres and a Mule is on my street, the shout outs between box store aisles, the surly Korean grocer, the slate sidewalks, the saxophone I can hear outside of our window, the walk of shame I heard at four this morning. All of it...I Love It All!

Here is a pic of our first night...I really wanted to eat Chinese, out of the box, wth chopsticks, sitting on the floor - but the surly Korean grocer said there was no good Chinese in the neighbourhood, so pizza it was.

And heaven it was as well.

Bon Festival

It was a lovely (muggy) beautiful (crowded) entertaining (bug infested) evening. My Guy was so impressed with the place that he wanted to come back, but only when half of South Florida decided to leave the fair grounds. Who knew that so many Floridians were interested in Japanese culture? Other than the sushi place in Pineapple Grove, it's pretty much ignored here.



So we entered, armed with Skin So Soft. (That was the best idea of the night. Thank you Ray's pants for having pockets big enough to stash the bottle) (Thank you bottle for not leaking on Ray's new cargos) (No thanks to knit halter top for jumping out at me in my closet earlier that day. What in the Hot as Helios was I thinking?)

The Taiko drums were blaring, but we didn't panic, there was another showing at 8:30. We immediately went to buy the lanterns that were placed on the water at dusk and floated out onto the lake, honoring the dead. They were sold out, but very thoughtfully offered pieces of paper to write a name and message on that we could then fold up and place in the community boat that was to be floated out with the lit singletons. We bought one for Michael and Mom did one for her parents and aunt and uncle.







Drink and food was next on the priority list - in that order. It was so hot out (heat index of 106 degrees) that we decided not to drink alcohol as dehydration probably would have killed us inside of three minutes in the crowded oven we were calling the Food Fair. We stood in line for two minutes (I know it doesn't sound long but it is...remember...106 degrees - no breeze) and found out at the front that we needed tickets. Grr. Off to the equally long line for tix. Back to the Lemonade Stand. Freshly squeezed, yes. Full of ice and not much liquid, yes. Asked for light ice and immediately regretted drinking warmade for the next five minutes, yes. Came with a decorative half squeezed lemon, yes. Removed when found circle of mold on said half rind, yes. Immediately saw that lemon was taking up half the volume of the drink, yes. Felt cheated for a half glass of three dollar lemon water, check.

No worries! On to the food!

Oh, look. Another long line.

Teriyaki, Yakitori, Soba Noodles. Hot food, hot food, aaaannnnndddd hot food. Hmm, no light and delightful sushi. In retrospect, a brilliant idea not to tempt fate by poisoning half of Florida with heated, ptomaine-laced, raw fish. Those poor bastards behind the woks were sweating like whores in church. So we had the beef teriyaki, not bad at all. And a pant-load of food for six bucks...err, I mean, tickets.

Off to the dance pavilion to watch the traditional gardening dance and fisherman dance (the only difference between the two line dances was the "hoeing" action and the "reeling in the net" action. That held our attention for all of seven minutes. We needed a break from the heat and went inside the awesome museum section. Coolth (Mom's word) and art. Those two things go together very nicely, indeed. Loved the stuff we saw in there, however, no cameras allowed. Not good for the 700 hundred year old scrolls and such.

Back outside to see the last Taiko drum performance. So. Amazing. The sound really does just jump from organ to organ in your chest. I didn't even mind the toad that jumped in my purse - big loves to My Guy for removing that warty creature.



It was dark by then and the lanterns were launched. It was really tranquil; there was quiet, Zen-like music in the background and everyone had a reverent feeling about them. It was crowded, but space was respected. I wish the pictures could have done the moment more justice, but you all have imaginations.



The fireworks show was going to start in ten minutes and My Guy, looking only slightly sheepish, said to us, "Fireworks next, huh? Ummm....we've all seen fireworks before right? Flashes in the sky, the oohs, the ahhs. Yeah. Do, umm, we need to, you know, see them again?" Both Mom and I fought to say it first.

"SurewecangonowIdon'tmind."

HAHAHA! It was nice, but clearly, we'd all had enough. That, and we were parked at the waaaaayback of the lot. We darted out of there, dropped off Mom at home and headed to Sushi Jo for cold sake, the sashimi appetizer and air-conditioning, blessed air-conditioning. The evening ended perfectly.

The Bon Festival

I am off to this tonight with Mom and My Guy. Looking forward to the Taiko Drums and the fireworks. Oh, and the sushi, sushi, sushi! Got my comfy shoes and an empty stomach. I am set! Pictures to come...

Me, My Shoes and Guy

I'm not really sure what was going on here at this point. Thursday night is a bit of a blur for me...







Feel free to make up your own story.

Take That You Three Fingered Beyotch!

I have just learned that my youngest niece assaulted Mickey Mouse. They were in Disney for a few days and they went to an event called Tea With Mickey. Apparently, Cassady didn't want no mouse tea.

He approached her arms stretched wide ready, anticipating a squealed, "Mickey!" and a hug. Know what he got? A good old fashioned hand slapping a la Granny on The Beverly Hillbillies.

Now, I would expect this kind of behaviour from this version of Cassady:



But not from this version, which was the one that did it two days ago!



I love it - this chick's not going to take crap from anyone.

Meow.

I wanted to share a little more of the Mank since she is old and moping around the house being crotchety - in other words, I think her time on this planet may be short.

Or she may surprise us all and be FrankenCat for the rest of our lives.

She may in fact roam the earth forevermore looking like the dope (gangsta') dope (idiot) that she is...



Yes, that is her tongue hanging out...see? Come closer...



...closer



She looks a little Simpsonian here, doesn't she?

Things That Are Cute

We have an assortment today of things that are cute:

The always adorable, Baby In A Box (No Justin Timberlake jokes here, please...)



The Squishy-Hearted Husband Who Likes To Spoon The Cat



If you can't get enough of this one, the Management has provided a close up



Tipsy Chicks: Four of the Cutest Party Wannabeers on a Slightly Quieter Than Wanted Ladies Night



E is half winking, I'm just happy to be out, G wasn't happy with her hair so she shook it out and made me take another (see below), and Dee Dee is telepathically telling the Bartender (see also below) that she is not interested no matter how many free drinks you give me.

Shaken, not Stirred



I think John the Bartender may have received Dee Dee's mental message...



Let me ask...if you were single, would you hit it?

Crap

My back is jacked up right under my ribs and I think the little bugger has decided to go on a road trip to visit my neck. Leaning back in the old office chair has become a thing of More Comfortable Days. I'm about two inches from my screen right now. I should probably go since I'll be needing to see the eye doctor for a new prescription shortly.

Talk To Me

I want to know that all my Minneapolis buddies are safe and sound. Let me hear from you, people.

This Is Just Sad

What is going on here?

I just got this email from our local theatre.



Howard Jones? THE Howard Jones...English Electronica Pop Singer of the 80s Howard Jones? Doing an acoustic duo at the local West Palm Beach theatre.

My world has crumbled. No One Is To Blame, Howard? No, I'm sorry - you are. Absolutely hair-raising...like your eyebrows - which have seemed to jump ship into your receding hairline.

Get a load of the password: nowhere.

That pretty much sums up your career Howie.

Here's the Deal

Listen up Hell's Kitchen candidates!

Have you morons never watched the show? Did you go into this Inferno unawares? Can you really stand there and tell me that you are surprised when you are included in the last three standing and Chef wants you to take over the Pass? What's with the plating up and sending food out WITHOUT TASTING IT?! You honestly didn't think that Scott the Chef was going to purposely leave out an important ingredient...say like the crab in the Crab Spaghetti??!!

Guh. I can't cook, but I know my TV. Wake up people.

High School Confidential

1. Who was your best friend?

Tara Nelson - she was 6'1" in 6th grade.

2. Did you play any sports?

Sports for me was running for the bus to catch the 42 downtown to ballet class at 2:30 every day. I did do the shot-put for a second while I was in my I'm Quitting Dance phase.

3. What kind of car did you drive?
I got my first car when I was in my 20s.

4. It’s Friday night. Where were you?
With Tara, trying to get into a bar with fake English accents. "Is this a pub or a disco?" Worked once...

5. Were you a party animal?
Not really, but I did my share of puking.

6. Were you considered a flirt?
Yes. In my own mind, everyone was after me.

7. Were you in the band, orchestra or choir?
No time.

8. Were you a nerd?
When I had to wear my back brace and take it off before gym class. Embarrassing!

9. Were you ever suspended or expelled?
Nope, I was a goody two shoes teachers pet.

10. Can you sing the fight song?
What's a fight song...?

11. Who was your favorite teacher?
Mr. Zutz for English. He made us do an essay every Friday. He set me up for life, man. I was prepped.

12. What was your school mascot?
No idea.

13. Did you go to the Prom?
Two, but in Canada it was "Grad." In Florida, I went with Michael, my gay, not-gay, gay best friend.

14. If you could go back, would you?
Umm, why? I like where I am now.

15. What do you remember most about graduation?
I remember most that I didn't go. As soon as I didn't need to be in class anymore, I hightailed it back to Canada, my ballet school and my boyfriend, in that order.

16. Where were you on Senior Skip Day?
I think we got bussed to Disney...foggy, not sure.

17. Did you have a job your senior year?
Apprenticing with Ballet Florida - it was there, performing in the middle of Romeo and Juliet that my light bulb went on and I decided to dance professionally before I went to teaching school in England (never made it to the teaching school, so I guess I made the right decision).

18. Where did you go most often for lunch?
A&W for Teen Burgers.

19. Have you gained weight since then?
Yep, but not until about 5 years ago when I retired from dancing.

20. What did you do after graduation?
Dance (are you yawning yet? I was a little one dimensional back then).

21. What year did you graduate?
1987

22. Are you going/did you go to your 10 year reunion?
Uh, yeah, that would be 20 year reunion this year, and no.

Girls, Girls, Girls

What started out as a plan to have a small "Sister's Night" might turn out to be a whole hog Sorority Party.

E, J and I were going to meet at D.D.'s (umm, yeah, so much for protecting the innocent...D.D. reads Dee Dee, so let's just call her that) Dee Dee's new apartment since I'm the only one of the three of us who has seen it yet. A little wine and then we were to move on to the little B&B at the end of Rosemary St. for a few cocktails and chatties.

Well, looks like J might be bringing C and S and E called and left messages with G (the cropper crier) and J.B. While calling G and J.B., she got a message from K - who we're not really sure will fit into tonight's company...she tends to be loud and look at me (K just got a boob job and likes to wear inappropriate clothing to family BBQs). So if the skinny gets around E's neighbourhood that the chicks are getting together to go out, we'll have to include K - hell, might as well bring L along as well. I like L, but I'm not she she could get down (like we're going to get down, we late 30 and early 40s mamas, ooh yeah, look at us go).

I aspire to this tonight:



So all is up in the air right now. I will keep you posted in the am - may be later in the day if we manage to act like we're 20 again.

Introducing The Best Day Ever (except for being born and getting married)

I have previously mentioned my little slice of food perfection...here is my little slice of weekend heaven:



Although I did have a small imperfection in my day:



After I had a 20 second cry an a quick dip to cool off, I watched this hot, backyard one on one action:



After that, I had to take another dip in the pool - this time to rinse off the dirtiness I was feeling.
The Mank Monster was curious (I mean, c'mon...she's a cat) and had been heading for the show...



But she never quite made it.



The distant rumble of thunder and a few sudden flashes of lightning sent me scurrying inside...



...but that was fine. I was a little crispy by then anyway.

Now That's Love

Fart eating undies

One man has tackled one of the world's most embarrassing body odour issues.

American Buck Wiemer invented a pair of underpants that filters out the smell of farts from the wearer.

The inventor, who won an Ig Nobel prize in 2001 for his unique product, says he designed the underpants for his wife, who as a sufferer of Crohns disease, found herself embarrassed by her inability to control her gassy emissions.

With the underpants made of plastic, the only place for gases to exit the body is through a triangular pocket strategically placed over the bottom. Inside the pocket is a piece of carbon that filters out smelly gases as they pass through, making the wind more palatable to the nose on the other side.

Weimer can't make this year's IgNobel tour but Kees Moeliker, the Dutch biologist who leapt to fame with the first description of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard duck, will be there to report on his latest project.

Had A Great Moment Tonight

On my own, My Guy in Vegas, just arrived home from dropping off my niece back at home (we watched Ratatouille in the theatre).

Got home, fed Manky Cat and decided I didn't want to cook, so I went to our favourite haunt, solo, and tucked into the outside bar for a late meal.

Tonight's dinner, though outside, was very different from last night's. It was hot yes, but I was relaxed, in a tank top, and loving my surroundings.

Here was my moment:

The Steak Diane arrived and it's first waft was divine - I couldn't wait to get into it. I had a cold glass of chardonnay, a side of veg, Weezer's Island in the Sun was booming and I was watching a surfing video.

That was it. It was a little slice of perfection.

And I was flirted with 6 separate times! Does an old body good to know she can still work it even when she's not...

Theme of the Evening: Vomit

I just spent three and a half hours feeling light-head and vomity at a business dinner with a dude from Ohio who wanted to enjoy the 87 degree evening heat on the patio of a Palm Beach restaurant ...

Guess who was vurping the whole time the sweat was trickling down her back, her pants were giving her ass a heat rash, her pits were drowning in their own juices?

Hey what a great idea! Let's do pan-fried mussels for appetizers! A bottle of tepid red Amoroso wine? Okay. Mmmm...steaming hot fish with wilted spinach and dried out carrots! Dessert? Why the fuck not?! Molten Chocolate Cake? Uh-huh. Oooh yes, let's have hot coffee with that! Could the waiter take any longer with the bill? I'm not sure.

It'll be a miracle if I'm not dead in the morning from fucking dehydration.

To top of my steaming pile of poo dinner, I had to come home to a vocally angry, starving cat who gobbled down her dinner so fast that it came up two minutes later at twice the speed. She was actually sitting on one of our 18" floor tiles and managed to lob her sick up and over to the middle of the next tile. I took a picture of the resulting pool. It was a lot of chum. Maybe I'll post it in the morning, but I may think better of it...I don't want to cause a Blueberry Eating Pie Contest Chain Reaction.

Oooh, and...

$4125.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth. From Mingle2 - Free Online Dating

It Was The Question About The Comic Books That Put Me Over The Edge

33% Geek

Four Hundred and 57 Channels (And Nothin' On)

It is Wednesday night in the Follies household. I'm on my own for the week (My Guy is in Newport Beach, with a side trip to Vegas and a bit of work in San Fran). The order of business is feed self and veg on couch with the telly for the night. Unfortunately, here are a few of the choices Comcast is offering up at 8:00 pm:

• Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence
• The Boy with a New Head
• Halloweentown High
• Poisonous Women
• God Forgives, I Don't
• Pork Chop Hill
• Too Much, TV

To much tv, indeed. No lie you guys, these are real titles. WTF!? Thank Minerva for the Top Chef marathon on Bravo.

The Japanese Are Weird Buggers...And I Love Them

So I'm sitting at the desk, minding my own business, wondering what the weird noises are coming from E's computer...then she suddenly says, quite seriously, "Are we supposed to be catching the poop?"

Intrigued, I immediately went to my Outlook to see if there was a message with a link from the cK. Yep - and here it is.

My Mom Washed My Mouth Out With Soap

Madre shamed me last year by reading my blog and saying that she couldn't believe it was her daughter writing all this....stuff.

So I cleaned it up (a bit) and now I get this:



Pah! PG-13. I'd rather be dirty.

Happiness Is...

Cleaning out your fridge and giving the neighbour the stash of Stella Artois that you are never going to drink. More food space, happy neighbour who is friendly with the cops. Win, win!

2nd Verse! Same As The 1st!

I could write down all the stuff I did today, but it would look a lot like the last post. Glad My Guy and I got whacked with the same lazy stick - it would have been a drag to pull the other along if one of us had had more energy than the other.

Actually, the day started and ended a little differently. We went out to Boston's for breakfast. The clientele can be a bit harsh there and I'm sure Shirley, our waitress, has seen her share of Hardened Bikers and Boca Bitches. She was super efficient but not, shall we say, of the jolly persuasion. After she refilled our coffee, I commented to Ray that I was pretty sure if I ghosted her all day I could still count the number of times she smiled on one hand. And he immediately added to that by saying, "yeah and she'd still have enough left-over to make the peace sign and pick her nose." This is why I love My Guy. He's quick and deadly.

Our evening ended by finally defrosting and eating our wedding cake topper - a year and a half later. Really the whole thing looked fabulous but was completely inedible because the rum soaked cake had gone from 40% alcohol to about 160%. Luckily it wasn't a birthday cake because lighting the candles would've burned our entire development to the ground. We were going to watch our wedding video, but somehow we ended up watching bits of From Dusk Til Dawn II: Texas Blood Money during the commercial breaks of two episodes of Law & Order.

Nuttin Honey

That's pretty much what I did today.

Did the usual early morning coffee/bagel run and then managed a bit of weeding in the garden. By weeding, I mean chopping the hell out of our small dying/dead Oleander tree. And by garden, I mean our 7 plants in the smallest backyard in the world to house a wading pool. In between all this, I was rudely interrupted by an angry husband who attacked me with sunscreen. "I don't want to be caressing leathery sin when we're 60. Put this on. I mean it."

Then, we basically spent the entire rest of the day in the pool. We emerged to make a rum and coke with our Quinzos sandwiches, but quickly slunk back in the 75 degree bathwater pool to escape the 90 degree heat. And oh yeah, there were plenty more sunscreen applications. The top of our pool looks like the Exxon Valdez retired to an old folks home in Florida and decided, on an Alzheimer-induced wander, to take a quick dip in our backyard. Hmmm, the ducks from the neighbouring pond did seem to be nervously eyeing our oil-slicked pool this afternoon...I wonder if ducks can feel ancestral phantom trauma.

Much of the same for tomorrow I'm guessing. I might attempt to make some Indian food. Maybe we can skim the pool later in the day and use the clarified remains to make ghee...

Much Like The Unenjoyment Office...

The Social Insecurity Office is a nightmare!! In the third of four steps needed to relinquish my 1st married name and grab a tight hold of my 2nd married name, I had to brave this quest (foolishly) on a Friday afternoon thinking, ha ha, that it wouldn't be that full.

Guh.

When we were "seasonally unemployed" back in the ballet days, my husband and I used to play the Unenjoyment Office game when we went to apply every summer. Much like Spot the Toupee that my girlfriends and I play at concerts, the Unenjoyment Game consisted of spotting the Lesbian Couple, the Angry Black Woman, the Haggard "I Can't Hear You're Nagging Anymore" WASPy husband and wife couple, the Stripper/Hooker and the Poor Soul Who Doesn't Speak English and Therefore is Never in the Right Line. We found all of them almost every single time.

Guess what? They aren't just in California. They're in Florida too, livin' large. Here, Lesbian Couple were pissed that they had to wait so long, Angry Black Woman was behind me and had no concept about Personal Space. I swear, if she huffed and muttered down my neck one more time I was about to go Jerry Springer on her ass. At one point, she had her elbow and entire forearm ahead of me in line while she leaned on the stanchion post. I wish I had my camera with me because I could have shared a great shot of my new passport with teeth marks in it. Pretty sure WASPy couple came from Boca and maybe even followed me from Oakland... Stripper/Hooker had the biggest schmeebs I think I have ever seen in real life (and they were being only just harnessed by a green crisscross bathing suit under her bedazzled two sizes too small jeans) and Poor Soul had still not been helped by the time I left with the promise that I would have a new card in two weeks.

An aside: Previous stories about my 4-year-old nephew have graced this blog - many of them having a religious theme. He goes to a Christian Pre-school - his parents are decidedly not, but they like the atmosphere and the educational care.

Today after school:

K: Mommy, can I see your bracelet that Auntie Lollie gave you for being a bridesmaid at her wedding?
E: Sure sweetheart (removes silver cuff bracelet from arm and hands to small child)
K: Mommy look at me! (shoving the bracelet onto his bicep)
E: Hey! You look like a Super Hero!
K: No Mama, I look like a Philistine!

My brother and E continue to be horrified...

Frustrado

I think My Guy is having a bad week...apparently, he has been manhandling his face a bit. Not sure if it is me (I've been nagging a lot lately) or work. This was the message that I received from him this morning:

Running my hands over my forehead and feel a bump on one of my eyebrows and I’m thinking “holy cow have I got food in my eyebrow?” I manage to get my fingers on the offending eyebrow hair and try to scrape this food particle off it thinking “god I’m a slob”.

No go.

So I just yank the hair out (ouch) and take a look at it – nope, not food, my eyebrow got so long and I’d been running my hands over my face so much that the eyebrow KNOTTED. That’s right, I’m fucking KNITTING WITH MY EYEBROWS.

At least he's not this guy. (Warning: this may make you want to vomit, especially if you are a guy.) (2nd Warning: You probably shouldn't open this if you are at work. Nakedness is about to ensue.)

A Couple Things

1) Ray has a friend who described something very funny the other day. Conferences = nights of entertaining which basically mean heavy drinking + steak houses. Lots of steak + lots of martinis = The Meat Sweats. The Meat Sweats! I love it.

2) The Good Thing: I had to go home early from work yesterday. Yay! The Bad Thing: I had to go home from work early yesterday because my youngest nephew peed all over my T-shirt and new jeans. Not so yay.

3) An old man tried to kill me this morning by turning left onto my one way road and heading straight for me. He must've been in an Early Bird Breakfast Coma because he didn't realize it until I laid on my horn and scared the Bejeez out of him. He then proceeded to do a U-turn and cut everyone behind me off as well. Good Morning Grandpa!

4) Book Club last night. We were reading A Thousand Splendid Suns - a hard book to read as a woman, but it generated a lot of good discussion. There was talk about combining the monthly book meeting with scrapbooking. Not sure how excited I am about this...The next book is The Best of Friends.

Viva La Bam

Emeril is not my favourite guy on the Food Network (truth be told, I actually turn the channel when I see him and his band). However, this cat knows how to run a restaurant and his New Orleans style chow is so so so good.

I started with a potable de perfection in a martini glass: Emeril's Oasis. Van Gogh coconut vodka mixed with pineapple and mango vodkas and a splash of mango nectar. An orchid was swimming in the mix. Sweet Phalenopsis it's tasty. The amuse was a gorgeous little morsel of smoked salmon laying on a tiny pillow of asparagus soup, topped with cucumber yogurt and micro greens. My starter was an oyster salad (deep fried oysters with salty greens and a cucumber relish), and for my entree I had the seared Yellowfin Tuna with fingerling potatoes. Hey, I'd eat stir-fried thumbs if they came with fingerling potatoes.

I have to go and pay some long needed attention to my poor cat. She has been passed off like Oliver and Little Orphan Annie this past week.

Cuddle Monkey at the ready. And...launch.

Quick Update

So far, all is good. Great hotel, lovely room (once it was ready...boo hoo us, we were forced to go out back by the pool and eat ceviche from a martini glass until we could get the room at 4:00). Now I am lounging in the room watching crap on the boob. (My Super Sweet Sixteen Highlight Reel and a marathon of Charm School. I'm actually listening to my brain liquefy right now.) I might interject here that my sweet sixteen (purposely written in lower case) sucked bag. My mom forgot my birthday completely until I "reminded" her that night. By reminded, I mean slamming my door and crying all night.

Some Things I Have Never Seen Before:

1) There is a massive selection of gay, bi, and trannie porn on the movie listing in this room. One of the flicks is described as follows:
AC/DC Orgy a non-stop orgy of bi-sexual guys who love to screw guys and to screw girls. Four guys and girls who really know how to mix it up.

Umm - is this new to anyone else, or is the whole bi porn in the hotel adult entertainment menu old hat? Have I been living under a rock? I just need to know.

2) A dude with dreads down to the pavement. Seriously, this is an example of what would happen if Bob Marley and Crystal Gayle mated. How long could this have taken to grow knotty locks down to the floor? The guy didn't even look old enough to have hair that long.

Back with more later - off to the Rose Bar in The Delano for drinks before Emeril's!

Miami Redux

Surprise, we're going to Miami tonight! My Guy has another conference so we are going to head out to South Beach for a lovely evening in a different hotel (thank you, fortuitous stars!). The National, I'm told, is lovely. Hopefully we'll have none of that nastiness that was The Marseilles from last time. Looking forward to a clean lobby where they can find our reservation, a clean room where I don't mind sitting on the furniture without a towel, an air conditioning unit that has actual numbers on it - not just a knob on the wall, a pool that is not full of Cha-Cha bitches who want to scream in the hallway at 4 in the morning and a back bar that is not pumping foulness that they were passing off as appropriate public music (earmuffs, children, earmuffs!!!).

Not sure where we are going for dinner, but I'm hoping it involves plantains. I'm in a Cuban State of Mind.

Back to work in the morning, so I will be hitting the freeway at the wee hours. I'm off to pack my ditty-bag! Ciao Bellas!

Behind The Eight Ball

Found it...

8) I worked one time as a "model" in San Francisco in the early 90's at the downtown Chanel Salon for an Oakland Ballet fund raising gig. It was very cool to have the makeup artist do my Chanel face Kewpie-doll style and wear drop dead gorgeous Chanel clothing. Worker Mommy only went to 7 so I only included Whiskey's side of life for number 8.

That is all.

Actually, that is not all.

What's worse than coming home tired from a 5 day trip at 10 pm after a 7 hour plane ride and finding a pile of dog shit on your driveway? Waking up in the morning to hose it off only to find that a wad a pink chewing gum has come to keep it company. WTF?!! When did our front yard become the New Jersey dump?

Dear Neighbours,

My husband says that if he catches you spitting out your gum or sees your dog spitting out his poo on our driveway again, he will go Robocop On Your Ass and snap your neck (and your little dog too). I happen to like my life and I really want to decorate our Brooklyn apartment. Do not make me scrabble for bail trying to get him out of the pokey.

Mixed Messages

Worker Mommy and WhiskeyMarie, my two favourite WMs both got separately tagged and in one form or another, consequently tagged me. I'm going to take their answers and give a version of my own in their themes.
1) Back when I was dancing for a living, I saw a program on PBS called form the Farm to the Table (or something along those lines). I was perfectly horrified to see how animals were being treated through the process of ending up in the grocery store so I immediately gave up meat and stayed that way for a year. Until I saw the doctor who was wondering why my recent knee surgery was taking so long to heal. He looked into my eyes and saw that my rims were almost perfectly white. "Anemia. Eat some meat young lady, or your career will suffer." 'Nuff said. Back to the meat...however, to this day I still refuse to eat veal and goose liver. This, BTW, was back 20 pounds ago when my boobies were much too small to have even an iota of movement, whether I was pogo sticking up the stairs or doing the regular style climbing. I still don't have much to hold, but there is a nice handful there during the Swollen Days - ladies, you know when I mean.

2) I love punctuation and made it a pre-requisite when I was selecting "suitors" from match.com (where I met My Guy). He could spell, punctuate and convey a coherent thought, a skill that seemed to escape about 85% of the ManBoys out there. I love to type and punctuate to gay dance music which I listen to on the Internet during office hours (when I'm alone). There is truly nothing better than streaming gay dance music while you enter droll geosynthetic values into a database.

3) I was never voted Most Expressive/Creative in High School or any other place, however, in my estimation, I'm pretty creative. Other things that get me through my workday other than gay dance music (see above) are the times when I get to do really fun things with graphics or tinker on the Bridal site I manage. I like my job (mostly because it helps my parents - its their business - and I am helping the environment in a small way) but I love my job when I can create beautiful or interesting things. ps - I'd be outta there in a New York Minute if I won the lottery.

4) SmallTalkLollie and ChopTalkLollie both live in my head and I never know which one is going to emerge until I open my mouth. Yesterday at the Bris, CTL fell out. I was trying to talk to the hostess, my cousin's husband's Dad's girlfriend and it was just a pathetic display. I also had horrible diarrhea pains so no cogs, brain or digestive, inside my body were working properly. I would have been much better off holed up alone in the hotel room watching a talent-based reality show such as Top Chef, Project Runway or Top Design. I have zero shame about being addicted to these shows. I will even avoid very important phone calls to watch them uninterrupted.

5) I, too, have been on only one blind date in my life. It was with the butcher's son (Mom worked there briefly). Zero chemistry, at least on my part. He was all excited about taking me to Red Lobster in West Palm Beach. If he had proposed the Monster Truck Jam I think we could have saved everybody involved a little heartache as it would have come to a screeching halt right then. During dinner, we had nothing to talk about except Stephen King novels. The date ended badly with a lame walk on the tar covered beach and him trying to slip and arm around me on his crappy porch couch and kiss me while I was busy trying to remove the gunk from the bottom of my feet with a cotton ball full of baby oil. I ducked and ran and never returned (and also have never been back to a Red Lobster). Come to think of it, Mom stopped working there shortly thereafter, but I don't think it had anything to do with me...

6) As I as I am wont to do when I search for coffee in the am, I tried to smile at a few people here while I was walking down Robson Street in Van this morning...didn't turn out so well. Is it the city atmosphere? I don't know. People seemed a lot friendlier when I lived here in The Great White North where I often went cross country skiing and downhill skied once getting the most horrible reflective sunburn I've ever had in my life. It made my nose and neck peel very badly.

7) My favourite number is 13, we have it all over our lives in our clan. Lots of people have died, been born, been married, etc. on a 13. It is a magical number for me - I even won the one and only time I ever gambled in Vegas. I walked up to the roulette table, laid down a buck on thirteen and won a 35 to 1 bet. The dealer was astounded when I collected my $35 clams and walked away. Don't think I haven't kicked myself in the ass multiple times for not betting more. I am also convinced it will be a part of my future winning lottery ticket. And it is approximately the number of times I have done illicit drugs which were fun at the time (first try at the age of 28), but haven't touched for years (and probably won't again).

8) I seem to have lost number 8 but I will fish it out of my laptop tonight at home.

More Things I Have Never Seen Before

Some of these are pre-trip, some are as recent as this morning getting coffee at 6:40 in Vancouver (ahh, jet lag).

• A van with the back window cut out to fit an apartment air conditioning unit
• A middle-aged man who really should have known better than to constawaddy the nine people behind him in an airport security line (post screening) to tie not one but both of his fucking Topsiders. We were all jammed up and collecting like the chocolates in that I Love Lucy episode.
• A regular old, white, Toyota Corolla driving next to us as we taxied in the plane. No logos, no purpose...just a regular sedan on the tarmac.
• A cracked fender exposing half of the sturdy underpinnings of the car, meaning...Styrofoam. Umm, yeah, are the doors on this particular make and model made of spit and Kleenex?
• A Port-A-Potty being hauled up by a crane to the top of a new building under construction. I guess if you gotta go up there, you gotta go.
• Stanley Park and its raccoons. Not sure if the whole "aren't we cute" act was to lure you in for the rabid throat kill. We gave them a wide berth.

And...

Note to Self:
Never again have a Tequila Sour the evening after a long flight where you drink no water Mrs Dehydrated Head.

A one drink hangover headache is seriously embarrassing. We all know you can do much better.

No Slice and Dice

I'm quite relieved to report that there will be no side of Screaming with today's order of Naming Ceremony. Ray, Mom and I are in Vancouver (arrived yesterday with a refreshingly short jaunt through customs - Three Hour Nightmare last trip, Fifteen Minute Pleasure Cruise this time). Although our bag got completely destroyed, everything went smoothly.

So yeah, babies are as cute as buttons, Nathaniel (Nate the quiet patient one) and Jeremiah (Remy the mischievous monkey). They are a little underweight, as twins are wont to be, so the Mohel wants to wait a little before he has to put their teeny tiny bodies through surgery. Mom is relieved. I am consequently also relieved as we were asked yesterday to be the Kvatter and Kvatterin (Godparents) for the ceremony. This is really a terrific honour for Ray and I, especially because we are not Jewish. This means Ray and I are responsible for transporting the babies from Mom to Dad to Mohel. I take the children from Sarah and hand them to Ray who hands them to Todd who then would, if there was going to be a circumcision, hand them to the Mohel. Kind of like baby Rugby. Even though we are really thrilled to have this job, I'm pretty relieved in that we don't have to be a part of the pain (before arriving, I was secretly fascinated that there was going to be surgery in an apartment - but I'm actually glad that we can all just be happy through the naming ceremony without the wails and winces).

This all happens at 5:30 tonight. Lots of (but not all) family will be there. Should be a pretty interesting night. I will take notes and report to duty later. I think we are going for a walk in Stanley Park now. Ray is pissed that he'll be in Canada for July 4th, but not as pissed that he is missing the Transformers opening!! I'll have to make it up to him with a sparkler in a flag cake when we get home.

No Bloodshed, No Tears

We're back on track baby - and I didn't even have to risk the clink. It was down to the wire (literally...I had my piano murder-wire ready to go) but a simple refresh gave me my screen back, ready to blog and be blogged.

Had a great time last night at S and E's house. The food was really yummy (except for the Super Fire Hot Queso Dip - my brother has a heavy hand with the Black Widow sauce). For the sleepover portion, we stayed next door at J & G's house while they are on vacation in Niagara Falls. Well, not really in the falls, but you know what I mean. J and G are total neat freaks - their house looks like a showroom, not a thing out of place. In fact, I think J has a touch of the OCD. So to eff with him, Ray and I planned to unwrap a few rubbers and toss the wrappers on his pillow and in the bathroom. I was going to lick his bathroom mirror and change his socks and underwear drawer. We abandoned the plan when we considered that they were going to be returning from a three week long driving trip. He could already be suicidal when he returns...that and he has 6- and 3-year-old girls. You never know who's going to find what where.

An aside - I need this number to refer to, but I'm too lazy to store it anywhere else W6374. Dear Hackers and general Nosy Nellys , this is not a password of any kind... ps - suck it. And you too Bell South - don't get too big for your britches...your not quite in my good graces yet.

And how about being woken by the doorbell and a 4-year-old in Spiderman Jays at 7:04 am? It's fantastic. He wanted to play chase at 7:06 am. So what could I do? I chased. In my Free Jahveri t-shirt and nary another thing...I held the edges down and ran slowly. Then we went back to their house and swam in the pool for an hour and after that we ate blueberry pancakes and turkey bacon. Dear Turkey Bacon, you are not real bacon but I like you just fine today.

I spent the rest of the day at home making Pops a new company website only to be interrupted by a burrito run in the rain at about 2:00. Dear Chipotle, you are my new favourite restaurant. Don't change anything on the menu...I want the shredded pork and roasted red peppers next time.

Ray is getting cabin fever and has jumped in the shower. I feel a cocktail coming on at our favourite bar in about 45 minutes. So I'm going to retire to the Master Bath to see if I can get lucky before we run out for drinks and dinner!

Good to be back!

Bell South Must Die

I'm having a serious Internet problem at the house. It's not there and hasn't been since Saturday. They've mistakenly turned off our service twice now and someone needs to die. Hopefully we will have it back soon and I can get back to my comfortable rhythm of posting on my couch at night. They said 24 to 48 hours...it's been 36. Til it returns though, I can only steal moments at work to comment quickly on your blogs.

Sorry!

Failure to Launch

Okay, so I got sucked into Anthony Bourdain's show last night (there were three in a row and I watched them all). This prevented me from getting my Lazy A off the couch and opening my laptop. Just lately, I've been feeling like I've been hit very hard with the tired stick...not sure what that is about. We're trying to Get In Shape starting this week. Smaller portions, no alcohol on the weekdays (ugh - but Friday night is considered the weekend!), and bubbly water instead of soda. We are also trying to work out every day. So, I shouldn't be tired, right? But I am.

I've decided to wait on the weekend roundup and dive right into the Things I've Never Seen Before List.

1) A refrigerator tied upright in the back of a dilapidated truck doing 85 on the freeway with the freezer door open and flapping/whacking in the wind. Needless to say, we changed lanes.

2) A 25-ish bleached blonde mother of four leaving a Miami hotel at 8 o'clock in the morning with her fabulous looking husband/boyfriend wearing, I shit you not, these shoes.

Management Post Script:
WM pointed out, rather hilariously, but completely understandably, that it sounded like the husband was wearing the shoes. Not so...but dammit, it would have been funnier that way.

3) An anhinga walking out like a high wire artist on a tree branch. (If you've never seen an anhinga before, they are fairly large - I don't think they belong in trees.) I thought it was a cat that was going to need rescue from the fire department, but then I watched it jump to the ground, flapping it's wings futilely, much like the freezer door on I-95.

4) This really belongs on a Things I Have Never Heard Before list, but Ray and I went out to the pool area of the crappy hotel in Miami and were assaulted by this absolutely filthy rap music. Now, Mama ain't no prude by any means, but I was totally offended that I was listening to Gonna f_ck tonight, yeah somebody gonna get f_cked tonight, all you Motherf_ckers get out tonight, cause playas gonna f_ck tonight.

WHAT?

When did this become acceptable out of the confines of your beat up Caddy or the privacy of your strip club?! That is a family pool area Marseilles Hotel! Turn that shit off!

Miami or Bust

Ummm.

I'll take Bust for 200 Alex.

The hotel sucked rocks. I'll elaborate when I have my Internet connection again - I'm at work right now and I'll be "composing" at home tonight - but posting at work tomorrow.

Dear Bell South,

You suck rocks too.

The meal, however, was divine, so the trip was worth it. A list coming with the post tomorrow: Things I Have Never Seen Before...

H - Thanks For The Smack On The Ass

Hi All,

I was admonished by H today - and I deserved it. I've been neglecting my blog since Monday and I hate, hate it when I visit my regulars and they haven't written anything new for me to be entertained by. I mean, it's all about entertaining me, right?! SO sorry - I apologize.

It was really due to a mixture of leaving my laptop at work, our phone getting cut off (a long and very uninteresting story) hence no Internet connectivity and taking a full day off to babysit my youngest nephew. But I'm back now and I have News.

We got the apartment in Brooklyn!!

I'm so excited to have a new pro-jhay. Though decorating a fully furnished apartment is going to be a challenge. But I can't wait for August. I Googled mapped it in satellite and it looks like a charming neighbourhood...a Brownstone on a tree lined street across from a College. Close to two parks. We'll spend 7 to 10 days a month there (maybe with the Manky Cat - that should be a good post the first time we put her on a plane...).

Everyone can visit!

I'm off to South Beach tonight. My guy surprised me with a call yesterday.

Him: "I'm getting ready to pull the trigger on a jacuzzi suite in Miami for 94 bucks on Expedia...should I do it?"

Me: "We should be saving money - we have to go to Vancouver for the bris in July and we've got the Gran Canaria trip to consider in October."

Him: "The accommodation is free in Gran Canaria and both trips are free on Sky Miles and I'm bored and want to eat at Emeril's."

Me: "Well in that case, OK."

Him: "Good, because I booked it already. Pick me up at 2:30 tomorrow...we eat at 7:00."

YAY!

ps - So You Think You Can Dance yesterday was phenomenal. Cedric is sick and the Blondie chick is a turning machine. Glad they got saved.

New York Dreams

So me and my guy are thinking of renting a sublet apartment in Brooklyn. It's 1550 a month for a furnished 650 square feet. We'd spend 3 weeks in FL and 1 week in NY...kind of reverse Snowbirds. I've always wanted to live in NY - and I thought it would never happen once I got a stable dancing job in CA (the Manhattan Dancing Dream definitely died when I retired a few years ago). But now I can enjoy the city pain free (if you don't count losing 20 bucks as soon as you set foot outside - trains, water, cabs, lunch, etc.).

I don't know. Is this a good deal or am I getting duped? I actually don't care - I really would like to do it. I'm ready for a bit of a change.

It's either change scenery for a hot minute or redesign the house, chop off my hair and let all my friends go for new exciting ones who will eff me over eventually.

Sometimes, It Ain't Alright To Be So White

Let me start by saying that this ended very well. She went for her first mammo since the diagnosis, and she was nervous, so I went with. We got a double thumbs up from the nurse and a thumbs down on needing a further ultrasound. Whoo-rah. You rock lady and I love ya.

But about being white.

I accompanied to the back of the exam rooms. She changed into my exact opposite from a previous post - she had way too much on the bottom and nothing on top but a breezy, man-closing (left over right) crossover hospital gown. I waited in the short-term waiting room and it was the size of my walk-in closet. Seriously, six chairs were nut to butt, ass to tea kettle. There were four of us, me, and three older, gentle ladies of the Caucasian persuasion. Quiet as church mice were we. Politely sitting two inches away from each other and pretending we were alone (except for the small smiles as we entered and sat, hands on laps, ankles crossed). Then a gorgeous black woman of about 60 sat down and said good morning to every one of us. Not two seconds later another stunning black woman of about 40 came in the room and filled it to the brim, Literally. With her energy.

The two ladies started to chat a little and within a minute and a half we had their entire stories of breast cancer, doctors, uteral (sp?) cancer, ages, church groups, parents, children, back aches pains, jokes, food, jobs, the Lord, get a PET scan, doctors are just people they can mess up too, I know that's right, you don't need to tell me twice girl, okay...O-Kay!??! I joined in with a comment here and there and by the time the ladies left the room, even the uptight, white and outta sights were tittering away. The moment they were gone the chatter in the room dwindled and then completely disappeared within seconds.

I have experienced the same phenomenon with old Jewish ladies and very small children. What happens to we WASPy types when we grow up? Why do we clam up? I want to be in a room filled with 4-year-olds and old Jewish black women and see if my heads explodes with glee.

Whew

Thanks to Sarah for her joke - that was actually pretty funny.

And thanks all - I'm having a better day today. At least I'm deciding to. I had a hell of a time on the phone this morning with Passport Canada (all of whom I think should be restrained in duct tape and beaten abut the head with a tube sock filled with poutine cheese curd for those of you who do not know any French Canadians). Idiots, all of them. How can one person tell me my passport has been mailed and here's your tracking number (which is wrong ps, DHL says the number is from last July and was delivered to Mr. Andrews in Maine signed sealed deliverd thank you very much), and then the very next agent tells me that my application has been "opened" but not "processed" and "no you can't speak to a Supervisor or another agent because I am actually retarded."

I.
Hate.
Government.
Lackeys.

It was a conscious decision to put on a cute skirt that I just hemmed last night, a tiny sweater, make up and a hair accessory just to make myself feel better about my day. Girlie = feelgood for me today. Meh.

Passport Canada can suck it - you're not going to ruin my day.

Say Something Funny

Crap day.

I need cheering up...anyone have a joke or two?

Crop A Palooza

I am done. Done with chicks and their estrogen, scissor blisters and glue in my hair, as well as carb-heavy lunch buffets.

Actually , it wasn't all that bad. Truth be told, I kind of had a good time. This totally appealed to my artsy craftsy side. My ass and back were killing me last night at about hour 10 (there were 36 uninterrupted hours of Scrapbooking Bliss to be had - vomit - seriously, some ladies stayed up all night and "cropped"). E's Auntie Laura started both days by saying, "I'm so excited I'm sweating!"

This was the scene:



Several "Paloozas" happened in that 36 hours.

There was:

Ginch A Palooza
It was 8:00 am...too early to check in to the hotel, so I had my overnight rollie with me (full of paper and glue and scissors and crap a palooza, so what's the first thing that goes flying out of my suitcase as soon as I open it? My green thong. Went over real well with the surrounding old ladies who were welcoming me into the fold. They looked at my thong twisted up on the green and bright blue carpet and back to me like, "Are we sure we want her sort here?"

Snicker Palooza
I set up, walked to the can for the last pee before I Got Busy, and was met on the walk back by a very haughty I'm So Important Business Lady in a Navy Blue Double Breasted Suit who looked at me like I was on her side when she rolled her eyes at the sign reading that Crop A Palooza was in the Emerald Suite. "Crop A Palooza" she muttered, eyeing me, "Phhhtttt, tsk." Good start to the weekend. I'm already being mocked.

Dram A Palooza
L couldn't come to the whole weekend, but she showed up to say hi. Or rather, she showed up to say hi to everyone but G. G and L had a fight that morning - a long coming, pent up emotions kind of talkin' to fight. G's feelings were hurt. G cried. E consoled. An hour of cropping was lost.

Strip A Palooza
The highlight for me was when Auntie Laura was telling a story at the 1st day's lunch break. It involved her son and his wife, who had come over to have lunch with the visiting "mother" of one of the 85 foster children Auntie Laura has had through her home (I'm not exaggerating that number, seriously). Anyway, she was telling us how that crack mama can't sit still and how she always crawls around, literally, inside her clothes. Auntie Laura proceeds to act out how this mother was behaving by inserting her hand, then elbow, then forearm into her stretchy aqua blue tank top. At one point she totally flashed the entire lunch patio her boobs, concealed in a big white bra, and was laughing away at how her son, at the time, was trying not to look at the crack mama - who was sans big white bra. It was a hoot. She's a great story teller and "doesn't give a whip" (one of her expressions) who sees her underwear.

All in all it really was a good time and I'd probably do it again...but only if the chair massage lady comes back and rescues me around hour 10. If she isn't planning to come, I'm going to go Custom, like some of the ladies there. They brought their own friggin' office chairs complete with cup holder for the table. Only my Custom Accessory won't be a stupid chair - it will be my own masseuse.

A Letter from Mother Nature

Dear Lollie:

You got presents yesterday. I saw you receive a lovely shell bracelet from E after her return from Cancun. If you push it up from your wrist to around the skinny part of your bicep, you could look really cool and all Thunderdome. Try it...I think you'll like it.

You also got stuff from Italy upon your parents return from Venice. Lovely sweaters and such. Aren't you a lucky girl.

I thought I would pitch in as well. I know you've been wanting a baby for a while, but I'm giving you your period instead. Have fun with that.

Love and Kisses,

Mama N.

Tag I'm It

Thanks to Whiskeymarie, I'm ready to bare my soul.

INSTRUCTIONS: Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) Bun in the Oven
2) You da Mom
3) Worker Mommy
4) Whiskeymarie
5) Lollie

Next, select five people to tag:
sassmaster, mips, kat, superbee and random mindless ramblings
(Do it if you want. Don't if you don't. No pressure.)

What were you doing 10 years ago?

I was breaking out of the Corps de Ballet and showing my boss that could actually dance without having 15 other chicks shadowing me. I was watching my older brother getting married and contemplating my own marriage a la Should I Stay or Should I Go Now? I was thinking maybe there is more to life than this dance company and should I start thinking about getting a real education so I can support myself when this all over.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

I was getting remarried to the best guy ever. The one who makes me laugh hysterically every day before 9 am. I was heavily believing that I didn't want children. (ha!)

Five snacks you enjoy:

First I'd like to say that I enjoy the word "snacks." It's a snappy, happy little word. Snacks!
1) Tuna and salsa on wheat thins.
2) Lyle's Golden Syrup layered on top of thickly spread butter on white bread.
3) Peanut butter and celery (not oft made but always loved).
4) Cake
5) Tea and toast

Five songs that you know all the lyrics to:

1) Crazy (Patsy Cline)
2) Green Eyes (Coldplay)
3) Please Forgive Me (David Grey)
4) Take Me Out (Franz Ferdinand)
5) Wonderful Tonight (Eric Clapton)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

Like Whiskeymarie - I need more than a mil to fulfill this one. I need to be rolling in stupid cash.
1) Pay off the family houses (Mom n Dad, S &E, L&J - oh, and ours).
2) Buy a Manhattan apartment for Ray.
3) Pay back my Aunt the money she lent/gave away to help us in the 70s (or was it the 80s?).
4) Fund some ballet companies.
5) Make Frank go away...

Five bad habits:

1) I'm kind of an impatient bossy pants, if I ask you to do something can you do it right now and if you don't I'll go ahead and do it.
2) I leave my worn weekday clothes on my closet floor and then have to do a severe laundry sort out every Saturday. Yes, there is sniffing involved.
3) I. Love. To. Pick. Zits.
4) Don't tell him, but I use my husband's comb to clean out my hairbrush. Shhh.
5) I procrastinate.

Five things you like doing:

1) Painting (house painting and watercolour)
2) Making people laugh
3) Crosswords
4) Getting my Dad to say he's proud of me
5) Blogging

Five things you would never wear again:

1) White splay-heeled go-go boots
2) Baby blue eyeshadow
3) My first wedding ring (not because of bad memories or bitterness, it would just feel really weird)
4) Pointe shoes (at least dancing properly in them - I might slip them on for old times sake, then scream and wonder what the hell I was thinking)
5) Unless I can reach the impossible and get a hard ass again, a thong bathing suit.

Five favorite toys:

1) Scrabble
2) Operation
3) Paper dolls
4) The Mank's catnip frog. I just crack up watching her be cracked up.
5) All the "stuff" in my bedside drawer

Shriek

I have always had a Law & Order fear that I am going to be out walking in a park one day and stumble over a dead body in the bushes. Or that I am going to walk back to my hotel in the city and see a bloody foot sticking out of an alley. Or that I am going to one day, late at night after work on a Friday, open the lid to the office building's shoulder-height, parking lot garbage dumpster and see a greenish, horribly bloated face staring back at me.

Well, tonight it HAPPENED!!

After feeling all the blood drain out of my body and pool in my ankles leaving me light-headed and ready to vomit, I realized that it was the head of a surprised Shrek looking comically back at me from a full McDonald's "to-go" bag.

Fuck you McDonald's - I want those two years you just shaved off my life back.